


Yesterday

by daisyfalls



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3600072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisyfalls/pseuds/daisyfalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU.  Laura and Carmilla have been together for years.  Started to build a life together.   A place of their own.  Good jobs.  Marriage.  And the hopes to start a family.  But life never turns out just like you plan or hope.  And sometimes you have to fight a little harder.  And sometimes you wake up in the morning and realize what it is you’re fighting for doesn’t exist anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

“Carmilla?”

The silence is deafening after the question and it begins to make Laura uncomfortable.  Like an itch.  Insistent.  Pestering.  Impossible and hard to reach.   She taps her fingers against her knee and watches as Carmilla grabs the throw pillow on the couch and pulls it close to her chest.

Somewhere in the room a clock ticks on a wall.  

“Carmilla, Dr. Waters asked if—.”

“I’m aware.”

And silence.

Laura looks to Dr. Waters who gives her a kind, encouraging smile and Laura scowls.  Because,  _really_ , they weren’t paying $150 dollars an hour to sit in silence.  But she pulls her lips into a tight line and waits.  

Because  _fine_ , whatever.  At least she finally got Carmilla to come without a fight.  

“Carmilla,” Dr. Waters tries again when she still won’t answer.  “Laura mentioned that she hasn’t been feeling close to you intimately.  Would you like to respond?”

“We fuck, if that’s what you really want to know.”

“No, we don’t,” Laura clips, despite the heat building up her neck.

Dr. Waters gives her a calming look and Laura thinks that she might light to punch her.  

Carmilla snorts.

“Laura, why don’t you tell Carmilla why it is that you feel that way.”

Laura looks to her right, to Carmilla situated against the couch’s arm rest.  Pillow pulled to her chest, tight.  And even she can tell that she’s gone from practiced apathy to discomfort.  She moves, just an inch, trying to bridge the space between them, but Carmilla only sinks further into the corner.

Laura sighs.  “You don’t….you don’t let me touch you.”  And as she says it, she rests her hand on the couch next to Carmilla’s thigh.

Laura doesn’t really think it’s possible, but somehow Carmilla pushes herself further into the corner before her fingers can trace her pants.

She retreats and settles into her own corner of the couch.  “All you do is—-you,” she looks to Dr. Waters and feels the heat creep up to her ears.  “You only touch me.  You never let me touch you.”

“Don’t see why you’re complaining if you’re the only one getting off.”

She’s red.  She’s bright red.  She knows it.  “I don’t  _want_  to be the only one getting off.”

“Seems like it would be a fine arrangement.”

“I’m trying to have a conversation.  To be honest.”

“Clearly.”

“We promised that we would give this a shot.”

“I’m here aren’t I?  You don’t need to get your panties in a twist.”

“Maybe, I wouldn’t get them in a twist if you actually participated.”  
  
“Ladies.”

Carmilla’s mouth hangs open, her response catching on her tongue, as they both look to Dr. Waters.  And it’s only then that Laura realizes how heavy she’s breathing.  How fast her heart is beating.  How furious she feels.

It’s become so normal, she doesn’t even realize when it happens anymore.

The thought alone makes her slump into the couch.  From the corner of her eye she can see Carmilla scowl and pull the pillow tighter across her stomach.

“Why don’t we take a break?”

“Great,” Carmilla says as she stands.  Throws the pillow on the couch.  Stretches.  “Same time next week?”  And then she’s walking from the room.

Laura lets her head fall to her hands, feeling a headache coming on.  Or maybe it was already there.  It’s hard to tell these days.  She looks to Dr. Waters, an apology on her lips but the older woman merely shakes her head and smiles.

“Same time next week.” 

                                             ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The door slams shut behind her.

“You didn’t have to be so rude,” Laura says as she flings her jacket off.  Or tries to.  But her arms keep getting stuck.  And she can’t quite tell how to get untangled.  And god  _damn it_  did they have to make these things so difficult?  “She’s only trying to help.”

“Please, she doesn’t care about us.  She only cares about the check we write her.”

She watches as Carmilla flops onto the couch and it’s comforting to know that one of them seems to be unbothered by the whole thing.

It isn’t though.  It hasn’t been comforting for a while.  And she really can’t place when the change happened.

“What do you want for dinner?”  
Laura laughs.  And it’s bitter and hard and she doesn’t like the taste of it.  “You are unbelievable.”

Carmilla groans.  Grits her teeth.  “What?”

“Forget it.”  

“No, clearly you have something on your mind.  And you’re not going to stop scowling until you get it out.  So, please, go on.”

“You promised you would try.”

“Should know me well enough by now to know I was.”

“Well maybe I don’t anymore.”  And Laura feels her heart sink when Carmilla doesn’t even seem to be affected by the statement.  The sad fact of truth.  

At least they are on the same page about that.

But even still, she can see she’s hit a chord, when the muscle in Carmilla’s jaw tightens.

“Carm, you won’t even look at me.”  As if to prove a point, she steps into her line of sight.  She watches as Carmilla holds her gaze for a second.  But then something wavers and she looks away.  A quiet swear under her breath.

Point.  Proven.

“You haven’t been able to since…”

Carmilla stands and stalks across the room, running a hand through her hair.  “Since when?”  
  
It’s a dare.  And Laura isn’t sure she’s willing to take it.

“I went to the session, just like you asked.  Why the fuck can’t that be enough?”

“Because you won’t talk to me!”  Her voice rises and suddenly her hands are shaking.  But she doesn’t really care.  Because clearly trying to stay calming was getting her nowhere.

“You won’t talk to me.  You won’t look at me.  The most I can get out of you every day is a grunt hello until you decide you think I want a quick fuck.  And then off you go again without a care.”  

And she should stop.  She knows she should stop.  If the look on Carmilla’s face is any indication she should definitely stop talking.  But she can’t.  Not now.  And really, the calming confines of therapy would have been a much better environment for her to unload.  But things never work out the way you plan them.

That’s how they got into this mess in the first place.

“It’s been six months.  You need to talk to someone.”

“I don’t  _need_  to talk to anyone.”

“Yes, you do.”

And something changes in Carmilla.  She sees it the second it happens.  Like a light switching.  A void draining from her eyes replaced with.  Feeling.  Dark and heavy.  And Laura isn’t quite sure she likes it.

“What do you want me to say, hm?”  Laura watches as she moves around the couch, her steps slow and measured.  “What do you want to hear?  You want me to tell you that I’m sad?  That I still hurt?  That I can barely fucking move without still feeling him there?”  Laura watches as she lifts up her shirt and points to the faint scar across her abdomen.  “How I couldn’t even keep him alive along enough to hold him?  That I hate myself for it?”

Carmilla is circling around the couch now.  Moving towards her and she feels her chest tighten.  And she wishes, quietly, for the confines of a counseling session.  For Dr. Waters to be present.  But she knows, it wouldn’t make it better.  Because it’s coming.  She can see it in the way Carmilla moves.  And she doesn’t quite know what it is.  And no session, no safe space, would help with the impact of it.

Two forces, equal in strength, moving in opposite directions; rate of speed unknown.  Reverse.  Back track.  Two forces, equal in strength, move toward one another; rate of speed: furious.  

How long until impact?

“That I hate you?  Is that what you want to hear?”  
Laura blinks.  It’s becoming hard to breathe.  “Carmilla, it’s no ones fault.”  She doesn’t believe it.  Not really.  Because fault always lies with someone.

Carmilla’s laugh is hard.  “No one’s fault?   _You_  were the one who wanted a family.   _You_ were the one who wasn’t happy with adoption.   _You_ were the one who asked me to carry him.”

“I didn’t realize the thought of a family with me disgusted you so much.”  Her ears are ringing.  And things are beginning to sound far away.  Has the room always been this long?  This spacious?

Or is the void new?

“You could have said no.”

“Please.  After Dr. Abrahams told us you couldn’t get pregnant you wouldn’t shut up about it.  Didn’t give me much choice, did you?”

Impact.

Laura sways.  And clutches the back of the sofa.  Across from her she watches as Carmilla’s eyes go wide and she sinks into herself.  They’re crying.  They both are, she thinks.

Or maybe it’s just her.  She can’t really be sure.

Can’t really be sure about a lot of things.

And then Carmilla shakes her head.  Grabs her jacket.

The front door slams behind her.

                                           ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She shouldn’t have said it.

She knows she shouldn’t have said it.  The second the words were out of her mouth she knows it.  Because she doesn’t mean it.  Not really.  She doesn’t blame Laura.  But she wants someone to blame.  And since she doesn’t believe in God…

Well, Laura will have to do.

And maybe it’s not fair.  But nothing is fair.  And it hasn’t been for a long time.  And she really stopped believing in fair.

Carmilla turns a corner.  Pulling out a cigarette from her jacket and lighting it just as the wind picks up.

The smoke swirls around her and it’s calming.  

But her hands are still shaking.  Have been for a while.

And no matter how hard she tries she can’t get them to stop.

In her pocket, her phone buzzes and for a split second she feels her heart skip a beat.  It’s Laura.  It has to be.  Fuming and angry and demanding she come back to the apartment.  Demanding they need to keep having this conversation.  To fix this.

To get even.

But she knows it’s not.  It won’t be.

Laura’s name stopped lighting up her phone months ago.

_How’d it go?_  The text reads.

Instead of typing a response, Carmilla hits the phone icon.  

They pick up after the first ring.

“You’re making dinner for three tonight.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Something like that.”

Carmilla hangs up.  Flicks the cigarette to the curb.  Walks into the wind.

                                          ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“That bitch.”

From the corner of her eye, Laura can see Kirsch give Danny a leveled glare.  Something along the lines of  _dont-start-now_.  But Laura kind of wants her to.  Because yeah…

What a bitch.

“I’ll kill her.  I’m actually going to kill her.”

“She’s not wrong though.”

From Kirsch’s arms, Annabelle reaches for her, lightly tugging on Laura’s sleeve; babbling in a way that only a baby can.

It makes her want to throw up.

To his credit, Kirsch looks guilty.  He stands.  “I’m going order us some take out.”

Danny nods and Laura attempts to smile as Kirsch walks Annabelle from the room.  Once he’s gone, Danny moves to sit next to her on the couch.  Puts her arm around her shoulder and doesn’t move as Laura sinks into her side.

“It is not your fault.  It’s no one’s fault.  It’s shitty.  But no one is to blame.”

Laura picks at a loose thread on her jeans.  “Want to her the really shitty thing?  I’m glad she doesn’t blame herself.”

She swears she hears Danny growl.

“What do you need us to do?”

“Can I just…stay here with you guys tonight?”  
  
She feels Danny nod.  “Yeah, of course.  You can stay as long as you’d like.”

And Laura isn’t quite sure she needs that.  But the offer is nice anyway.

                                             ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Camilla, you didn’t!”

From across the table, Carmilla watches as LaFontaine places a calming hand on Perry’s back.  They share a look and Carmilla scowls.

Quickly, Perry scoops another helping of food onto all of their plates.  It’s some Italian shit.  Though not shit, because Perry is the best cook Carmilla knows.

But she can’t stomach much right now.

“I’m not proud.”

“And you shouldn’t be.”

“Perr—.”

“I get it, okay?  I’m an awful fucking person.”

Perry’s offense seems to deflate some and Carmilla feels a smug satisfaction when she looks guilty.  “You’re not,” LaFontaine says.

“You’re grieving,” Perry quickly adds.  “It’s natural.”

And Carmilla thinks, it really is a shitty world for people to expect such behavior from one another.

“Why don’t I make us some drinks?”  Perry asks, standing.  

“Might as well just give me the bottle,” Carmilla says.  And she means it as a joke.  But even she can tell how sad and pathetic it sounds.

Perry and LaFontaine share another look before Perry disappears into the kitchen.

LaFontaine turns to her.  Smiles.  “Wanna blow stuff up?”

Destruction.  

That she can do.

                                               ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“God damn it.”

“Eat my dust, sucker.”

“Fucking, I swear to god…that box was mine!”

“Perr, you’re cheating.”

“How am I cheating?”  
“You’re pretty and you’re sitting next to me.  Cheating.”

“God you two are disgusting.”

“Sweetie, perhaps you should pay more attention to the game than me.”

“Yes, Laf, please pay attention to the game so when I beat your ass I can actually gloat.”

And she can see it, the finish line coming up.  Whoever said Rainbow Road was hard could kiss her ass.  She owns Rainbow Road.  Rainbow Road is her bitch.  And she’s going to prove it—-.

Out of the right corner of her screen a blue shell whizzes into view and collides with her car knocking Carmilla off course and Perry zooms across in first place.

LaFontaine laughs as Carmilla swears.  And Perry smiles.

“Laf’s right, you are a cheater.”

Her distain only causes Perry to smile wider.  And even Carmilla can’t help but smile a little.  Because once upon a time they used to do this often.  And just for a second she feels normal.  Like things are right and familiar.  But it doesn’t last long.

Because they aren’t right.  And they aren’t normal.  They are only half of six.  And her own messed up baggage caused them all to fall apart.  

“I think this calls for another drink,” Carmilla says, reaching across the coffee table for the bottle of whiskey.  

“I think I’ve reached my limit,” Perry says, clicking through the menu to select their next race track.

Carmilla looks to LaFontaine.  “Not tequila, not worth my time,” they say.

“More for me then,” she says, only vaguely aware that her words are starting to slur.

She pours herself a double.

                                                ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s just after dawn when Carmilla stumbles through the door.

She trips over her own feet and the door slams as her body collides into it.

Oops.

And she’s tired.  Exhausted.  Her body aches.  Maybe a little bit hungover.   Definitely still drunk.

But, immediately, she can tell somethings wrong.  

The pile of books on the coffee table she’d kept knocking over the past few days is gone.  One of the throw blankets on the couch is missing.

Carmilla shakes her head.  Blinks.  Because yeah, a blanket should definitely be there.  And it’s definitely not.

She moves down the hall.  Towards the bedroom, her feet carrying her towards what she doesn’t know.  

But, she does, she thinks.  As dread begins to settle in her shoulders.  Like an itch.  Impossible and hard to reach.

The bedroom light is on when she gets there.  

Half of the closet is cleared out.

The bathroom is a mess from rummaging.

Laura’s dresser is empty.

And, Carmilla, thinks.  She shouldn’t be surprised.  Because she isn’t.  Not really.  She supposed they were headed in this direction for a long while.  Longer than pregnancy.  Longer than miscarriages.  Longer than doctor’s visits.  And what ifs and dreams and maybes.

But, she knows, a small part of her never thought it would happen.  Never thought they would get to this point.  

Laura is gone.  

And she doesn’t know where.  Though she can guess.  But she won’t check.  Not now.  Not yet.  Maybe not for a while.

Carmilla flops onto the bed.  And it feels cold.

Hating someone is a lot easier than loving them.  

And that thought alone is enough to make Carmilla laugh.  It’s heavy.  And hard.  Bitter and resigned.  But she does it anyway.

She laughs until she falls asleep.


	2. One

_“God, no wonder you were embarrassed the first time we did this.”_

_“It’s not that bad.”_

_“This would be sexier in a doctor’s office.”_

_“Oh come on, it’s not like it’s something you haven’t see before,” Laura replies and Carmilla groans, throwing an arm over her face.And Laura pauses, because it’s kind of the cutest thing she thinks she’s ever seen._

_Carmilla bare before her, arms across her face with Laura situated between her legs.Cute, is not something she generally describes Carmilla with.Sexy, yes.Especially now.Especially naked.But cute.That’s a rarity._

_And damn it if she isn’t going to enjoy it._

_“Just get it over with.”_

_Laura giggles and reaches to the bedside table, grabbing the cup and syringe.Her eyes squint as she takes in the contents of the cup.“It’s so…viscous,” she says with a nose scrunch._

_Carmilla snorts and peaks at her through her arms.“No need to look so disgusted, Ms. Gold Star.”_

_Laura places her hand over her heart and sighs.“It’s a badge I wear with honor.”_

_Carmilla laughs and reaches for her, wrapping her arms around her neck and pulling Laura in for a kiss.They stay like that for a moment, until, slowly Carmilla pulls away._

_She brushes her nose against Laura’s and sighs._

_“You ready?”Laura asks, her voice a whisper.And suddenly she feels like speaking any louder would be a sin._

_Carmilla nods and she can tell she’s nervous so Laura kisses her again, pushing her back into the mattress and she doesn’t stop until they both need to breathe.“Let me know if I’m hurting you,” she says when she pulls back and Carmilla nods._

_Laura sits back, situating herself between Carmilla’s legs. Gets the syringe ready. She takes a deep breath, feelings nerves and excitement bubbling.Because they are doing this.They are really, actually, truly doing this.It’s going to happen.They are going to have a baby._

_Maybe.Possibly.Could be.If she doesn’t mess it up._

_Oh God, what if she messes it up?_

_She doesn’t realize her hands are shaking until Carmilla places a calming hand over her own and squeezes._

_“Ready?”The question is even quieter than the last._

_And for a brief second, Laura swears she sees Carmilla second guess.She doesn’t look ready.She looks horrified.She looks like she maybe, definitely, doesn’t want to do this.But it’s fleeting and quick and gone when Carmilla takes a deep breath and nods._

_“Knock me up, already.”_

_Laura smiles and leans in for a kiss._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Carmilla is two hours late.

Though, technically, she’s about four months late (if you counted the maternity leave she would have had).But Perry had told her to come back when she was ready.And she was tired of sitting at home all day so she supposed that meant she was ready enough.

So two hours on her first day back shouldn’t be a problem.

The smell of croissants greets her as she unlocks the back door; stubbing out her cigarette just before she enters.

_You’re headed for an early grave_ , she already hears the nagging that’s bound to happen when Perry smells the smoke on her.  

She throws her stuff in the office, grabs an apron, and pushes open the door to the kitchen.

There’s flour everywhere. Perry is expertly rolling pastries as Juliette, the newest in a line of unfortunate interns, tries to keep the flour at bay as she pours a bag into a large plastic container.

But she moves too quick and another puff fills the air.

“I’m gone for a few months,” Carmilla says, causing them both to jump.“And the place has gone to shambles.”

“Carmilla!”Perry’s eyes go wide.  

“Perry!”

“Juliette, why don’t you take the croissants to the front and see if Adam needs help.”

Juliette nods, grabbing the tray and quickly moving past Carmilla.

“Bring me a coffee, while you’re at it,” she says and the girl mutters out a “sure” before she disappears.

“Be nice,” Perry says, returning to her task as Carmilla ties on her apron.

“I missed the opportunity to initiate her before.I have lost time to make up for.”

“Better make it quick, her last day is next week.”

“And the next victim?”

“Alex.He’s a bit clumsy.But I think you’ll be able to scare him into shape.”

“I look forward to it.”

Perry snorts and Carmilla swipes her finger into the custard she’s started mixing.“God, I’ve missed this place.”

She pretends she doesn’t see the concerned look that Perry gives her.A part of her thinks she should be used to them by now.And another part of her thinks she’d like to tell them all to fuck off.“What do you need me to do?”

“You could start by frosting the cupcakes.Juliette made fresh buttercream.”

“Think I’ve gone soft?”

“Think you need to revisit your skills before I let you back into my kitchen.”

“Half of it’s mine.”

Perry hums as she walks past her.Pauses.Turns to her.Narrows her eyes.“You’re headed for an early grave, if you don’t quit.”She says.

And Carmilla thinks that, they’re all dying anyway, so what does it really matter?

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

_It’s midnight and it’s quiet._

_Carmilla has her feet propped up against the headboard, head resting on Laura’s stomach as she lies across the bed._

_Laura’s hand is draped across Carmilla’s body, resting lightly on her stomach.She traces lazy patterns over soft skin; willing with all her might that it takes.They’d been trying for a few months now._

_And nothing._

_And she knows it could take a while._

_But the same familiar feeling of dread begins to build.Because they have already tried for months.Only to be told that Option A would not be possible at all.But they did it different this time._

_They knew before that Carmilla would be able to conceive.They dotted their “i’s” and crossed their “t’s”.And it would happen.She knew it would._

_It had to._

_But still…wanting it to happen sooner rather than later wasn’t too hard.Not too hard to ask.Though maybe it is.Maybe she is asking for too much too soon.Too fast.She was told no and she didn’t wait long enough to start hoping that just because she was told no doesn’t mean that they were.And maybe if they could just have a sign._

_Some sort of sign to let her know they were on the right path.Something.Anything.It would be helpful._

_And that couldn’t be too much to ask.Not really._

_Could it?_

_Carmilla places her hand atop Laura’s; stopping her slow trace and patterns._

_Laura feels, more than sees, as Carmilla laces their fingers, moving their hands so they rest on the mattress._

_A gentle squeeze._

_“We should try and get some sleep.”_

_Laura sighs. Long and exasperated.And right, sleep would be good.Helpful.No use worrying when you’re exhausted._

_“Okay,” she replies._

_She doesn’t mean it to, but she can’t help but think it sounds an awful lot like a prayer._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Mornings have never been so chaotic.

Laura can’t find anything anymore.And, she thinks, it’s a bit silly because she doesn’t have much now.Just a suitcase and a bag.A few toiletries.And nothing else.

Yet everything is in disarray.

She passes Annabelle to Kirsch as they pass in the hallway.“Have you seen my green shirt?”She says.“It was on my pile of laundry.”

“I did all the laundry yesterday,” Danny says, tripping as she tries to put on shoes while she walks.“Kirsch folded them.”

Laura blushes, thinking she may have to talk to Kirsch about not touching her dirty laundry.Or Danny for that matter.But it’s sweet, she knows.  

They’re just trying to help.

“I put them all by your bed,” Kirsch calls from the kitchen.There’s a crash and then Annabelle laughs.

“Shit.”

“Language!” Laura and Danny call from the hallway.

“It’s not like she can understand it!”  
  
Annabelle claps her hands.

The clock chimes seven.

“We’re going to be late.”

“I can’t show up to school in my pajama shirt.”

“Then change.”

“I can’t find my green shirt.”

“Does it matter?”  
  
“It’s spirit day!”  
  
Danny growns.“The kids won’t care.”

“I care,” Laura says and the words are sharp on her tongue.She doesn't mean to snap.Not really.But she had been planning on wearing the shirt all week.She had set it aside.Had made the mental note to grab it even when she left the apartment.She had planned.She had prepared.

Was it really too much to ask that it should all happen the way it was meant to?

“Maybe it got mixed up with your stuff,” Laura says.Danny waves her down the hall, an open invitation to her and Kirsch’s bedroom.  

“Just hurry,” she says as she heads towards the kitchen.  

Laura huffs and enters the bedroom, checking the closet.Danny can be cranky all she wants, she decides.She’s not leaving until she finds her green shirt.

Even if it takes all morning.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

_It’s seven o’clock when Carmilla comes home._

_She leans over Laura and places a kiss on her cheek; a smug smile on her face._

_“What?” Laura asks, eyeing her suspiciously.She’s got her hands behind her back, but she simply shrugs and says;_

_“How was your day?”_

_Laura leans back into the couch, spreading her arms out.“I’m beginning to think my students are literary geniuses—-.”  
Carmilla snorts._

_“—-But they can’t seem to grasp the concept of what side of the page they need to write their names on.”_

_“All genius comes with a price.”_

_Laura smiles and grabs the pile of papers she was grading; moves them to the table to make room.She pats the cushion next to her, but Carmilla simply moves around to the back of the couch._

_“My day,” she says, almost drawl like, “Was a complete disaster.Had to redo a batch of cookies because the new girl Perry hired didn’t do them right.”_

_“Poor you.”_

_Carmilla hums, leans over Laura’s shoulder from the back of the couch and dangles a small gift bag in front of her._

_“Please tell me that is one of Perry’s brownies,” Laura says and she can already taste the salty chocolategoodness._

_“‘Fraid not.”Carmilla drops the bag into her lap._

_Laura pouts and she feels Carmilla’s chest bubble with a chuckle.“Go on, open it.”_

_She digs into the bag, not caring where the tissue paper lands and pulls out—-._

_“A rattle?”_  
  
“I figured it would be best to go with neutral colors.” 

_And Laura smiles._

_It’s sweet, really.To start their little collection.To prepare in anyway they can so there will be less to get when the time actually comes.But…_

_“Carm this is.It’s so sweet, you’re amazing,”Laura says, turning to get a better look at Carmilla.“But don’t you think we should wait until…”_

_Laura trails at the smirk that greets her.The raised brow.The “you-going-to-figure-it-out-or-do-I-need-to-spell-it-out-for-you” look she’s seen her direct at countless unsuspecting victims._

_“…you’re pregnant?”_

_The words don’t sound right.Because there’s no way they actually can be.Because sometimes you hope and you pray but when it happens it doesn’t seem to fit.It’s a shock.And a surprise and…_

_Carmilla is nodding.“Yeah.”_

_Laura watches her shrug, her head dipping, as if it’s not the most_ incredible _thing in the world._

_Laura launches to her feet on the couch, pulling Carmilla to her with a squeal._

_Somewhere buried in her shirt, she hears an “oof”._

_“You’re pregnant.”She’s laughing.“You’re pregnant.”_

_“Yes, and I think death by suffocation would not due well for the baby.”_

_“Oh god, right sorry,” Laura quickly releases her, holding her shoulders and looking into her eyes._

_They’re sparkling, though, Laura thinks, that may just be due to the tears in her own eyes.But it doesn’t matter.Because…_

_“We’re going to have a baby.”_

_And then she’s kissing her.Pulling Carmilla close and holding tight.Because they are.And it’s happened.Finally.Finally a small victory._

_“Thank you,” she says, her lips brushing Carmilla’s.“Thank you.”_

_She says it over and over, a few more times, attempting to convey what she doesn’t even know how to describe._

_And when they pull back, there’s a small part of Laura that thinks that maybe Carmilla’s smile isn’t as bright as it should be.That it’s a little bit tight.But it’s fleeting and gone.Because Carmilla is pulling her close again and tugging her over the couch and pushing her towards the bedroom._

_“We’re going to have a baby,” she says again._

_She feels Carmilla nod against her neck.“We are.”Is whispered there, quiet and gentle, laced with butterfly kisses._

_And Laura sighs._

They are _._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Carmilla sets the timer and moves to the floor.

She sits against the cabinet next to Perry, a bottle of wine with a spread of strawberries, pretzels, and a pan of melted chocolate between them.

Baking off cakes for prep was never one of her favorite things.But their ritual of shared wine and chocolate-whatever-they-could-get-their-hands-on, was a favorite.    
Though she’d never admit it.

Carmilla is halfway through her second chocolate covered pretzel, the silence around them comfortable, when Perry asks:  
“Have you talked to her yet?”

Carmilla wonders how long she’s been waiting to ask it.“Nope,” she says, licking a bit of chocolate off her finger.

“Carmilla…”

“ _Lola_ …”

Perry scowls.“You need to.”

“I don’t _need_ to do anything.”

“You’re never going to be able to move on if you don’t.”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“As your best friend, I reserve the right to make you.”  
  
“Thanks mom.”  
  
“Carmilla.”She hates the way she can hear Perry’s voice change.The sharpness.The concern and worry seeping through.And she wonders when people will start realizing it’s all of that that drives her crazy. 

That she’d just like to be left alone.

“I”m worried about you.”  

Carmilla sighs, setting down the strawberry she had been about to bite into.Her hand starts to shake and she wishes she could run outside for a smoke. But there’s no way Perry’s letting her go anywhere right now.

And she hates it.Hates the way people look at her now. Like Perry currently is.So sad and pathetic.Like she could break at any moment.

It’s a change she doesn’t approve of.One she’d like to eradicate forever because they don’t seem to get it.

She broke a long time ago.

“I’m thinking of moving,” she says after another moment’s silence and she takes a bit of joy in the bewildered look on Perry’s face.

“To where?”

She shrugs.“Another apartment.”Not like that’s a hard one to figure out.

“And what were you going to do with Laura’s stuff?”Another shrug.“Just up and move and leave it?Or sell it all and hope she doesn’t notice?”

“Guess I’ll have to call her then, won’t I?”

Perry huffs and grabs a strawberry, shoving it into the chocolate before taking a big bite.“She’s staying with Danny and Kirsch, you know.”

“I figured.”Carmilla picks up the strawberry again.Examining it.And she feels the words on the tip of her tongue.Persistent.Poking.And they are out before she can stop them.“How is she?”

She hates herself a little bit.She really does.

“Oh no.Uh-uh.You want that answer you can call her.”

Carmilla scowls.“Some best friend you are.”

“Yes, well, it is my job to keep you in line.”

“And you do such a fine job.”

“You’re going to give me grey hairs, you know that?”

“They’ll match the crows feet you’ve got going on,” Carmilla replies, pointing to the corner of her own eye.

Perry scowls and shoves her shoulder and Camilla sends a silent thank you into the universe that at least some things haven’t changed.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

_The first time happens on a Monday morning._

_She had made mumbles the day before about indigestion.That “Thing 1”, as she so lovingly called the child, couldn’t_ make up it’s damn mind about what it wanted to eat _._

_So they’d had a lazy Sunday.Spent in pajamas and arguing about what to watch on Netflix._ Buffy, _had won out, naturally._

_Laura did pay for the account, after all._

_And they had slept._

_It’s five when Laura feels the bed shift, as Carmilla rolls from it; readying to start her day.She’s got half the mind to fall back asleep and get just a few more minutes when she feels gentle shaking and a quiet “Laura” that doesn’t sounds quite right._

_She rolls over to find the sheets spotted with blood._

_It’s five-o-five when Laura makes a call into work for a substitute and she’s rushing Carmilla to the hospital._

_And, she thinks, maybe it won’t be what she thinks it is.It won’t be and it can’t be.Because spotting is normal.It is.It is.And this.This has to be normal._

_It has to be._

_“Everything’s going to be okay,” Carmilla says and Laura looks to her in the passengers seat.Sees her eyes trained forward.Determined._

_Laura reaches for her hand._

 

 

_“It’s perfectly normal,” Dr. Abrahams says.“Miscarrigaes happen a lot more often than people realize.”  
Laura doesn’t care.She doesn’t.Because other people are not them.They are not other people.They’ve already had so many hurdles to jump over.And why can’t they just have this?Just this one?  _

_It’s not fair._

_It isn’t._

_And she wants to cry._

_But she won’t._

_She grasps Carmilla’s hand tighter, giving it a slight squeeze.And she hears a muffled sniffle.Laura looks to her.She’s not crying.But her eyes are downcast.And she picks at a loose thread on her jeans._

_“We’ll need to make sure that everything is okay,”Dr. Abrahams continues.“A few routine check ups. And then you can try again.”_

_He smiles.And he’s a kind man.But really, Laura thinks he’s being annoying._

_Next to her, Carmilla shifts and sighs quietly.It’s barely there, but Laura hears it._

_She convinces herself it was just a rustle of the sheets._

 

  

_It’s ten in the morning when they return home._

_They had picked up bagels on the way back to the apartment, but placed them on the counter and moved to the bedroom._

_Laura lays, her head resting on Carmilla’s shoulder and, she thinks, it shouldn’t be this way._

_It should be her on her back, Carmilla cradled in her side.Her arms running the length of Laura’s back in calm, soothing strokes._

_But they aren’t.Of course it was Carmilla who pulled her into her arms upon returning.Of course it was.And she would quite like to tell her that it’s okay to cry.It’s okay to be the one comforted._

_But people grieve in different ways, Laura thinks, so she lets herself be held._

_“We’ll try again,” she feels Carmilla whisper into her hair and she shifts._

_Carmilla is looking at her with a sad, guilty smile._

_“Only if you want to,” Laura replies, tracing along Carmilla’s cheek to her jaw then up to her lips._

_Carmilla kisses her fingers lightly.“We’ll try again.”Is all she says._

_And, Laura thinks, the day she stops loving Carmilla Karnstein is the day she stops breathing._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

It’s lunch hour when Danny pokes her head into her classroom.

“Got a minute,” she says as she enters, sitting on the student desk directly in front of Laura’s own.

A piece of salad drops onto her shirt and Laura sighs.

“What’s up?”

“I just received a call from _my husband—_.”

“Heaven forbid.”

“—And I have been informed that he called a sitter for the night and is requesting our presence at Bruno’s for dinner and drinks.”

“Do you not want to go?”

Danny looks at her, funny and surprised.“I would kill for a night out,” she says.“But I just wasn’t sure if you would be up for it.”

And Laura thinks that maybe Danny is right.Because she’d like nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed.But..

She can’t remember the last time she had a night out.Not since she’d been living with Danny and Kirsch.And long before she and Carmilla…

“Yeah,” she says, effectively cutting off that train of thought.“That would be nice.”

If the look on Danny’s face is any indication, she doesn’t believe her.She doesn’t quite believe herself, if she’s being honest.

But why should that be a hindrance?

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

_“Still think this is sexier?”_

_Carmilla laughs quietly and ruffles the end of her medical gown.“I’m offended that you don’t find me sexy at all times,” she says and Laura is certain that, had she been standing, she would have twirled in a circle; just for the hell of it._

_“Oh, trust me, I do,” Laura says, sarcastically.“In fact, what do you say we steal one of these and take it home with us?”She runs her hand up the length of the gown._

_Carmilla flips her off._

_There’s a knock on the door and then Dr. Abrahams enters, a petri dish in hand.“Ready?”_

_Laura looks to Carmilla and is met with a questioning gaze.Uncertain.Frightened, even.And Laura feels her stomach drop.She grabs her hand and squeezes._

_A reassuring smile._

_And Carmilla nods._

_“Let’s knock me up,” she says again and Laura can’t help but feel dread settle into her stomach._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

“That is an awful idea.”

“You didn’t even let me finish.”

“There’s no way in hell she’s going to do it.”

“That’s not your choice to make.”

“You’re insane.”

“No but just _think_ about it.”

“Laura is not going to—.”

“Uh, guys.Sitting right here.”

She watches as Danny and Kirsch turn to her, both a little wide-eyed.And she’s ninety-percent certain they actually did forget she was sitting in the booth across from them.

“What do you think?”Kirsch asks and Danny snorts.

“You want to hook me up with someone?”She asks, because she honestly isn’t sure she’d been following the conversation correctly.

“I mean I know a few girls who might be interested, sure.Or go to a bar.Find a nameless girl in the crowd.The world is your oyster.”

Danny groans and the waiter brings them their drinks.

“I don’t know…”Laura says.And she doesn’t.She really doesn’t.

“It is break up one-oh-one,” Kirsch continues on.“You get over someone by getting under someone else.Cleanse the palette so to speak.”

“Go through a lot of break ups in your time, did you?”Danny says.  

And Laura thinks that Kirsch responds.Something witty and funny.And they’ll go back and forth for a few minutes until they remember that she’s there and then see if she actually wants to have her palette cleansed or not.But she can’t pay attention to the conversation. Not after:

_Break up one-oh-one_.

Break up.

It hadn’t hit her before.But it is.Isn’t it?That’s what had happened.  

They hadn’t discussed it.Had decided.Hadn’t done anything, really.And that’s just what it was.  

If you’re in a relationship you don’t not talk to your significant other for six weeks.

You don't grab your things while they are out and move into your friends’ guest room.

You don’t not call.

You don’t do a lot.

“So?”Kirsch asks, breaking her thoughts and she turns to him.He’s looking at her.Worried.Worried she might say no to his idea?Or is that how he looks at her now?

She can’t really be sure.

“I’ll think about it,” she says.

Kirsch smiles and Danny sighs.

_Break up_.

It sits with her.Funny.Different.Strange.

And she can’t decide if the weight in her chest feels heavier with it, or lighter.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

_“A little higher.”_

_“No lower.”_

_“It’s definitely higher.”_

_“You’re crazy.It’s the hormones._ All that breastfeeding.”  
  
“Says the pregnant woman.” 

_“My nursery, I say higher.”_

_Laura huffs and turns to look at Carmilla and Danny.Carmilla, with her legs straight out, eating a banana as Danny sits next to her, holding a bottle as Annabelle sits in her lap._

_“I got this, dude, if you want to take a step back and look.”Laura smiles at Kirsch and steps from the wall, allowing him to take full control of the painting._

_“Don’t trust us?”Danny asks._

_“Not sure which one of you we should,” Kirsch shoots back._

_“As your wife and the mother of your child, I am offended by that statement.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Where do you want this?”LaFontaine asks, as they and Perry carry in the small dresser they had been putting together in the living room._

_“Corner,” she and Carmilla say at the same time.Laura turns to look at the painting as she hears.“I gotta pee again,” from Carmilla._ “I swear, after this kid is born, I’m never going to the bathroom again.”  
  
Laura smiles as she looks at the painting, trying to decide if it should go higher.Or lower.Or maybe it’s fine right where it is.That could always be the compromise.But it needs to be perfect.   

_It has to be._

_“Carmilla, are you alright?”Perry asks and Laura moves faster than she thought she ever could._

_Carmilla’s standing, one hand resting against the wall, the other cradling the side of her round, pregnant belly.A wince etched into the lines of her face._

_They all watch as she rubs her stomach, shakes her shoulders out._

_“Just a kink in my side,” she says, and it seems to be enough for everyone.She looks to Laura, a shaky smile pulled at her lips as she turned towards the door._

_At eight months pregnant, a lot had changed about Carmilla’s demeanor.Her stride, once lanky and smooth, had turned to what could only be described as a waddle.Punctuated and staccato.It had taken some getting used to.Seeing her walk around like she wasn’t quite comfortable.Maneuvering her belly like it was an addendum and not a part of herself._

_Laura had teased her about it endlessly._

_But, as she watches Carmilla leave, Laura can’t help but think her steps look different today.Tight.Sharp.Not quite right.Not quite what they’ve become._

_“Higher,” Laura says, her eyes still trained on the doorway, Carmilla long since turned the corner._

_Behind her, she hears Danny sigh, and Laura hopes to all things high and holy she made the right choice._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

It’s the first time she looks at a mirror in months.

Carmilla gingerly lifts her shirt over her head.Throwing it by the hamper.The room is already beginning to fill with the steam of the shower and she has to wipe away at the mirror to see better.

She grimaces.

The scar on her stomach there and faint.But she swears it’s as red as it had been in the hospital.

A part of her wants to look away.To stop.To go back to ignoring her reflection and anything she might see.Because she hates it.Hates what’s there.Hates what’s _not_ there.

But she’s tired.She hates herself anyway.And she’s a little bit drunk, so…

Apathy is a glorious thing.

Delicately, she lets her fingers trace against the scar.

It’s funny, she thinks.It should hurt.It had hurt.Still does.Most days.But as she touches it now, it doesn’t.It doesn’t at all.

And perhaps she should be worried.That it stopped hurting.That she can’t feel it anymore.

But it might be kind of nice.

And then she sees it.  

Behind her in the mirror.On the freestanding cabinet.A bottle.For hair or some shit.Not hers.Nope.Definitely not hers.Laura’s.And she’s surprised she didn’t notice it before.But, she hadn’t looked in the mirror in a while so…

Carmilla turns.Grabs the bottle and tosses it in the trash before she steps into the shower.

The water is hot as it comes down and she sighs.She grabs the soap and begins to run it over her body.Let’s her hands scrub away the days work and sweat.

Her hand traces her scar.And yes, she decides…

Tomorrow will be a great day to start apartment hunting.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

_The second time happens in the middle of the night._

_Laura sits._

_At least, she thinks she does.She is.Certainly.But she can’t feel anything.Not really.Only Carmilla’s still hand in her own, her own fingers clutching it tight.But yes, she’s sitting.She has to be._

_She doesn’t think she could stand right now._

_She’s not sure she’ll be able to stand ever again._

_“We’ll bring you breakfast in the morning,” LaFontaine whispers and Laura feels Perry place a gentle hand on her shoulder.The door clicks behind them as they leave and Laura lets out a shaky breath._

_She think she might be crying.But she can’t really tell.Her vision’s been blurry since late last night._

_Laura still feels the burn in her shoulder as Carmilla had shaken her awake._

“Something’s wrong _,” she had said.And Laura had never heard her sound so panicked._

Laura.Laura.Something’s wrong.

Something’s wrong.

_They’d been admitted immediately upon arriving and Carmilla had been whisked away for an emergency C-Section._

_Laura had sat in a haze as Danny and Kirsch and LaFontaine and Perry had arrived.And then the doctor had appeared._

_Carmilla had lost some blood.But she was going to recover.And the baby…_

_They would have been able to take him home had he not suffered a seizure in utero.The doctors had tried their best._

_But there wasn’t anything they could have done._

_It happens, sometimes, they had said.And they were sorry._

_Truly sorry._

_Laura doesn’t quite remember how she got to the room.How her hand ended up holding Carmilla’s._

_She isn’t quite sure how they’d gotten to this point at all._

_A boy.They had been waiting.Wanted to be surprised.Because it didn’t really matter.Whoever the small being would have been they would have been theirs._

_A boy, Laura had learned._

_They hadn’t even gotten to name him._

_Laura feels Carmilla’s hand move in her own and she looks up and she thinks she might be crying again._

_She watches as Carmilla’s eyes flutter open.Confusion at first.Grogginess from the anesthesia.And then her free hand trails to her stomach._

_Her flat stomach.And Laura watches as realization washes over her._

_She’s up instantly, placing a kiss on Carmilla’s temple.Her cheek.Her hair.She squeezes her hand tighter.“It’s okay,” Laura whispers, for the both of them.“It’s okay.We’re going to be okay.”_

_And she can do nothing but watch as Carmilla turns away from her and begins to fall apart._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Laura picks up a girl in a bar a week later.

They stumble to her place and Laura impatiently taps her foot as Amanda tries to undo the front locks of her door.Or maybe it’s Amber.  

Amelia?  

Could be Mary.

Whatever, she’s never been good with names.

Laura watches as she finally gets the door open and they tumble inside.The second the door is closed, she pushes her against it.Trailing hot kisses down the girls neck.She hears a moan and Laura pushes closer.

“Where’s the bedroom?” She asks, nipping at the girls collarbone.  

She feels hands on her back, moving down and under her jeans.She grabs them, pins them to the door.Amanda-Amber-Amelia-Mary smirks.“You gonna let me show you, or you just going to keep me here?”She says, looking up to her hands Laura has pinned against her head.

“Might as well do both,” Laura decides.Because yeah.That sounds like an excellent idea.And then they don’t do much talking after that.

Laura never lets the girl touch her.Not once.Not against the door.Or in the hallway.Or on the bed.Or on the bed again.

She touches.Only her.And Laura thinks she may not be able to stop.Because she had forgotten.It had been too long since she had touched another being.Had touched and molded.Moved.Breathed in another person.  

To watch them come completely undone with pleasure.To know that she was the cause of it.  

It had been too long since she had made another person feel good.

She had forgotten.

She didn’t want to forget again.

She couldn’t.

And in the morning, when she tiptoes from the apartment and into the rising sun, she thinks she feels better.Happy.Lighter maybe, even.Good.

Yes.Good.

And she tries to ignore the part of her that thinks as good as it may be, it won’t ever be good enough.

 

  

Laura is sitting on the couch when Carmilla returns with a stack of boxes.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, as Laura stands with a “What do you think you’re doing?”

They face one another, Carmilla framed by the door and Laura by the light from the window.Carmilla thinks, she’s still one of the most beautiful women she’s ever known.

“What are you doing, Carmilla?”Laura asks again, crossing her arms with a huff.

Carmilla sighs.Tosses the boxes to the side and closes the door.She leans against it, crosses her arms, and feels a smug sense of satisfaction when Laura scowls.

“I’m moving.”

“And what were you going to do with my things?”

“Take them to Danny’s.”

“How’d you know I was there?”

“You’re not exactly a mystery.”

Laura’s eyes harden a little.

“What are you doing here?”

“I needed a few books for school.But I can see I’m going to have a hard time finding them now.”

“You can take whatever’s yours.”

“Gee thanks, so thoughtful of you.”

“Shouldn’t you be thanking me, or something?I packed all your shit for you.”

“I can’t believe you were going to move without telling me.”

Carmilla runs her hand through her hair but doesn’t respond.She knows Laura well enough to know she hasn’t finished yet.

“I still technically live here, you know.I put my half of the rent into the joint account.”  
  
“I was aware.”

Laura huffs.

“What, you want a thank you?”

Carmilla watches as something in Laura changes.She can’t tell if it’s from what she said, or something inside Laura herself.But she seems to fall in on herself.Shoulders slumping until her whole body sinks into the couch.Head falling forward, buried in her hands.

And, Carmilla thinks, Laura looks as tired as she feels.  

It’s comforting, slightly.In the sick twisted way she’s gotten used to things being.

“You’re moving,” Laura says after a few minutes silence.  

“Yeah.”

Carmilla watches as Laura nods into her hands.“You’re moving.”

She sighs.Runs her hand through her hair.“You don’t really want to live here anymore, do you?”  

They are quiet.Unmoving. Just like this for a few minutes.And then Laura’s whole body moves as she takes in a deep breath, letting it out until her shoulders sink further and then she’s looking up.Right at Carmilla.Her eyes heavy and sad.  

She shakes her head.“No.”

Carmilla nods.Resting her head against the door as she looks to the ceiling.And she knows…

This is what goodbye feels like.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone for the wonderful comments and love!! 
> 
> Until next time.


	3. Two

_“Oh no.No way.Next.Definitely next.”_

_“What’s wrong with him?He sounds perfectly nice.”_

_“We agreed the donor would look as close to me as possible.”_

_“Exactly.”_

_“He makes himself sound like Groucho Marx.”_

_And Carmilla knows it’s coming.Before Laura even opens her mouth.It’s in the way her eyes crinkle.How they light up slightly.And a goofy grin pulls at the corner of her lips._

_“Exactly.”_

_Carmilla scowls and grabs the sperm donor paper from Laura’s hand, rips it in half, and tosses it over her shoulder._

_“Hey!”_

_“And no more for you,” Carmilla says with a smirk, grabbing Laura’s wine glass and throwing back the small remnants of it like a shot._

_“Double hey!”_

_Carmilla smiles and shakes her head.“Next.”She waves towards the pile of donors between them as she grabs the wine bottle.She fills her glass and Laura’s and when Laura reaches for hers, she pulls back.Keeping both secure in her hands._

_“Seriously?”_

_“Told you, I’m cutting you off.”Carmilla smiles around a large mouthful of one glass.Takes an equally—larger—gulp of the next.It’s bitter going down and she winces slightly._

_It’s good._

_“Easy there tiger.You trying to win a contest or something?”_

_“We are about to sign our lives away for the next eighteen years and we’re not going to be able to afford the good shit anytime soon.So I am going to enjoy it while I can.”_

_So maybe she’s had too much wine, too.Because she definitely doesn’t mean to say it.Or, maybe, she does.But just not as bitter.Definitely not as bitter._

_But she did.She said it.And it’s out.And the sparkle in Laura dims a little.And she looks down to her hands.Knots her fingers together.Plays with them.And—_

_Fuck._

_Carmilla takes another greedy drink._

_“You do want to do this, right?”_

_And there it is.That look.The one she’d gotten used to seeing, pulling at the lines in Laura’s face.One that had slowly taken over for months.And she hated it.Because she couldn’t quite tell what it was._

_So uncertain.So…Carmilla can’t even say._

_Resigned maybe.Resigned in a things-aren’t-bad-but-they-aren’t-quite-like-you-imagined-them-kind-of-way.And that’s life._

_Kind of shitty._

_“Because I only want to do this, if you want to do this.”_

_There’s so much hope in her voice that it makes Carmilla uneasy._

You do want to do this, right?

_“Yes,” she says.Setting down the wine and turning towards Laura. “Of course I want to do this…”She thinks that maybe Laura doesn’t quite believe her.“I just…I never imagined I’d be a mom, you know that.It’s going to take some getting used to.That’s all.”_

_And Carmilla sees it.The relief. And the sparkle begins to come back.And she sighs._

_Because it had been months since she’d seen it.And she’d really been beginning to miss it._

_“You better be prepared though, because I’m going to give it to you every time there’s a problem.”_

_“_ It _is going to be your child, too, ya’know.”_

_“Not when it’s being annoying it won’t.”_

_And Laura is laughing.Full and loud and Carmilla knows she’s made the right choice._

_Because this is what you do when you love someone.You promise them the moon.And you promise them the stars.And you do whatever you can to keep your promise._

_“Just don’t ask me to carry the next one,” Carmilla adds with a smile as she finally hands Laura back her glass of wine._

_She says it as a joke.She does.But there’s a tone of truth to it.Underlying and there and she hopes Laura can hear it._

_“Carmilla Karnstein, are you saying I have to do all the work?”_

_“I’m saying I would make for a very unpleasant pregnant woman.”_

_Laura snorts and settles in closer to Carmilla’s side._

_And yes, Carmilla thinks, this is what you do when you love someone.You promise them the moon and you promise them the stars._

_Wouldn’t it be nice though, she thinks, if the moon wasn’t so damn far._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

The bar is hot.  

But it is every night.And Laura supposes she should be used to it by now.  

She had never really considered herself a bar person.

She had gone to parties.Sure.Especially in college.Though she preferred nights at home with friends and fuzzy socks and cocoa.But she was social.And she enjoyed it.But not the bars.Not with the sweat.And the crowds.And the liquor that made you sick just by looking at it.

But in the past month, that had changed.

Though a lot had changed, she could argue.So what was one more?

And that’s just what life was, change you didn’t even know was happening until it was too late.

Laura takes a long drink of her gin and tonic and looks around.

It’s hard to see in the dim light.With bodies pressed together and barely any room to breathe.And it’s loud.Definitely loud.

But she doesn’t need to see much and she doesn’t need to say much.Three times a week or more makes you a regular.And the bartender knows her drink of choice by now. 

It’s before her, most nights, before she even has to ask.

And it’s nice and it’s sweet.But she doesn’t really care.And it doesn’t really matter.Because she only ever finishes about half of it.  

If that.

She’s usually gone and out by then.And she always has company.

Most nights it’s easy.She sits.And she waits.And she’ll flirt.And it doesn’t really take much.And then they are taking her back to their place, whoever they may be.And they are always sweet.And they are always kind.And it’s good.  

Pleasure.

Pleasure is always good.

But it never feels just right.Like a craving you can’t quite quench.But she pushes the feeling away and let’s herself think that it just might be enough.

And then some nights it’s nothing.And she leaves with a scowl.Until she remembers the number in her phone and she calls her.

Amanda-Amber-Amelia-Mary.

There’s always her.A fall back.  

And a part of her thinks she just might hate what it is she’s doing.And a part of her thinks she just might hate who it is she’s become.

And she pushes that away too.Because who’s to say she’s become the person she’s always been?  

And there she goes, pushing that away, too.

Tonight she can tell.A fallback won’t be necessary.There’s a girl.Two seats down.Staring and smiling.

She doesn’t smile back.Not really.Because a smile still doesn’t feel quite right.But she grabs her drink and she raises it slightly.A hello.And the girl grabs her drink.And comes over.

And Laura can’t really believe it’s as easy as that.

_You’re hot, sweetheart,_ Carmilla had once told her.Slipping her arm around her shoulder and glaring at a girl as she walked by. _Don’t be so surprised_.

Laura throws back the rest of her drink.

She doesn’t usually finish it.Hardly ever.

But some nights…there are exceptions.

It’s three in the morning when Laura gets back to Danny and Kirsch’s.She opens the door quietly and she’s vaguely aware that she smells like sex and smoke.Tiptoeing in, hoping she isn’t heard.She never is.But then:

The light flips on and Danny is sitting on the couch, concern mixed with fatigue.

“Again?”She says and Laura scowls; her heart racing in surprise.

Because what should it matter?She’s not out getting drunk.And she never brings a girl back to the house.She would never intrude on Danny’s life like that.Especially not with Annabelle.And she still goes to work.And she still gives her kids her everything.

So what should it matter if it’s again?  

“You should be asleep,” Laura says.Because what does one say to again?

“Laura I’m worried.”

And Laura thinks it’s funny.Worried.It’s all anyone has been lately.And no one seems to realize what kind of burden it is.

“Danny I’m fine.”

“But Laura—.”

“We have to be up soon.We should really get to sleep.”

And behind her she hears Danny sigh before she slips into her room and let’s the door click shut behind her.  

And maybe, just maybe, she thinks.It’s time to look for a new place to live.

Again.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_“What are you doing?”_

_Laura’s on the bed.Her legs propped up on the headboard, ankles crossed.Hands resting gently on her belly as she stares at the ceiling.Carmilla watches as she blinks a few times then turns to look at her._

_“It’s supposed to help,” she explains._

_Carmilla snorts and shrugs off her robe, dropping it to the floor and climbing back into bed.“I think that’s a myth.”_

_“I’m not taking any chances.”_

_Carmilla mimics Laura’s position._

_“Mocking the woman you love is an unattractive quality,” Laura says with a huff._

_“I can’t let you have all the fun.”_

_Laura laughs.But it’s quiet.And not full.Apprehensive._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing’s wrong.”_

_Carmilla narrows her eyes because they both don’t believe it.And Laura sighs._

_“It’s been months.”_

_“Dr. Abrahams said that it can take time.”_

_“I know….I_ know _but…”_

_“Hey,” Carmilla says, grabbing Laura’s hand and lacing their fingers.She pulls until both hands are resting on her stomach and waits for Laura to look at her before continuing.“It’s going to happen.”_

_Laura smiles and it’s shaky.But she takes a deep breath and seems to calm down.“I love you,” she says._

_And Carmilla kisses her._

_She kisses her and kisses her and hopes Laura knows just how much she loves her too._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Her wrist fucking hurts.

Carmilla sets her pencil down.Shakes out both her hands.Turning her wrist in circles to try and stretch it.Doesn’t do much.But whatever, good enough.

She grabs the eraser and gets to work ridding the paper of the thin black lines.

It doesn’t work though, not really.No eraser is ever perfect.Leaving streaks of smudged lead across the white.Tainting it in just the slightest way.

Carmilla grabs the paper and crumples it to a ball.Tosses it over her shoulder; only faintly aware that it lands in the waste bin; atop a pile of countless others.

She grabs a fresh sheet and lays it on the coffee table.It’s crisp.And clean.She picks up her pencil again and her hand freezes.

Fucking fucking fuck.

Carmilla throws the pencil down and sinks into the couch, slouched.She’s probably pouting.Or some semblance of it.But she doesn’t care.Not like there’s anyone around the see it.

She takes a greedy drink of whiskey.

And glares at the paper.

She’d been trying to sketch out a new display cake for their front window for days.Perry had been complaining about their current one.It was old and outdated and not a good representation of their work anymore.

So Carmilla had taken it upon herself to complete the task.  

And nothing was working.

She tried bows and ribbons.Stripes and dots.Cakes tiered taller than herself.Small and elegant.Reds, purples, blues, greens.Flowers.Flourishes.Round.Square.Hexagon.And nothing was working.Nothing was right. 

She throws back her whiskey and sits up.Grabs her pencil.Because she’s going to get it this time.And she starts to sketch.  

The cake base comes out angled and crooked.  

“God damnit.” 

Can’t even get the lines straight.

Carmilla slumps into the couch again, looking around the office for inspiration.Though, she supposed, she should probably start calling it home.

Her apartment hunt had turned into staying in the back room at the bakery, her belongings stuffed into the corner.Not that she had much.

She and Laura had decided to only take what was theirs and any combined items that they both bought would be given away.

It had been the first thing they had agreed on in months.

And Carmilla was surprised to find out just how little she owned.How little one has when they become half of a whole.  

Some bags of clothes.Luggage.Her jewelry and sketchbooks.

And then they had parted.And she had come to work.

And she hadn’t left.

So there it was.  

The health department would probably flip their shit if they knew she was living in the back.And she knew Perry was doing her best no to do just that.But, whatever..

At least her commute isn’t shit anymore.

But the space is proving to be useless now.With it’s bare brick and paint chipped trim.They really do need to redecorate.Perry had been on her about it all last year.

Carmilla sighs and stretches, feeling the kink in her back pop.It doesn’t do much to help the ache that’s been there since she started sleeping on this god awful couch.

She grabs the eraser and starts again.

She erases and erases until all that’s left are scraps of rubber, darkened with led.Streaks of black on crumpled paper.And Carmilla thinks…

She really shouldn’t be surprised.  

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_Children make her uncomfortable._

_Not in an annoying way.Well, maybe in an annoying way, because they were loud and high pitched and just kind of_ run _everywhere._

_But in a needy way.Their complete need in another human being.Their complete dependancy.And it’s strange to think, that once upon a time she was just the same._

_But she wasn’t, not really.She had always been independent.By no one’s fault but her own DNA.And maybe that’s why they make her so…_

_Carmilla snorts when a kid on the playground falls and starts to cry._

_It’s the running, she thinks.And she lights a cigarette._

_The elementary school is across from Laura’s high school.And Carmilla watches the kids run from it as school is let out._

_She can see a girl, eyeing her cigarette.Narrowed curious eyes.And she hears the disdain in them._ My mommy and daddy told me smoking was bad, _she’d probably say if Carmilla gave her the time of day._

_She checks her watch.Two fifty.She can’t remember if the high school gets out at two forty-five or two fifty-five.But the bell hasn’t rung yet, so._

_Whatever, she hopes it’s soon.She doesn’t need to be judged by judgey little girls from across a playground._

_Carmilla stubs out the cigarette._

_Uncomfortable.That’s what kids are.So she never really thought about being a mom._

_In the abstract, maybe, but never in reality.But, then again, she never really thought about a lot of things in her life._

_She never thought she’d own a bakery.Never thought she’d fall in love.And yet here she was and there she went.And that’s just what life was._

_A whole lot of what you didn’t think about._

_Not until it was happening._

_“You know, you’re going to have to quit once I’m pregnant.”_

_Carmilla turns to see Laura looking at her with a scrunched up nose.She’d always hated the smell of cigarettes.“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”_

_“Mmhmm, sure…”Laura says, looping her arm around Carmilla’s waist.“You want Thai food?I’m craving Thai food.”_

_Carmilla throws her arm around Laura’s shoulder and they head towards the Thai place close to the apartment._

_And just before they turn the corner, she sees the judgey little judgey girl run to her father, waiting by a car.And she’s smiling.And he does too.And it’s soft.And sweet._

_And warm._

_Maybe she hasn’t really thought about kids before.And they are uncomfortable.And needy.But maybe she could get used to it too._

_In the abstract, at least._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

“Seriously, dude, you can stay as long as you wan—No—girls what are you…Pay attention.Sarah, you’re off sides!”

From where she’s situated in her lap, Annabelle claps and guffaws at Kirsch’s outburst.He scowls and Laura laughs, repositioning Annabelle so she’s more comfortable.

She’s barely bothered by Laura’s fussing and Laura thinks it must be nice.To be so small and uncaring.That nothing really matters except sitting in someone’s lap and eating Goldfish.Which….

A chewed piece of Goldfish drops from the corner of Annabelle’s lips and falls to Laura’s hand.Her nose scrunches and she wipes it on the grass as a soccer ball goes whizzing by.

Sarah, she thinks, runs after it.Waving at Annabelle as she passes.Kirsch snaps his fingers.

“Yes, kid is cute.Thank you.But let’s focus please.”  
Laura is pleased to see Sarah roll her eyes, despite her smile, as she throws the ball back onto the field and practice resumes.

“You’re a nervous wreck,” Laura says laughing quietly as she watches Kirsch watch his team from the sideline.

“Championships,” is all he says and it makes Laura smile.

_Championships_. _It’s all he’s fucking talking about.You’d think he’d be solving world hunger_ , Danny had complained to her not a few hours earlier at lunch.

_I recall a certain someone losing sleep for_ days _last year when the softball team was headed to playoffs_ , Laura had quipped back making Danny scowl as she took another bite of her sandwich.

“Seriously though,” Kirsch continues, not taking his eyes off the scrimmage.“Stay until whenever.”

“Kirsch, I can’t.”  
  
And it’s sweet.It really is.

But she can’t.She really can’t.

Not with Danny starting to wait up for her like a worried mother.Or the questioning looks Kirsch gives her when he notes the bags under her eyes.

He never asks though and for that she’s at least thankful.

“Suit yourself.But we don’t mind.”

“And you guys have been amazing.But I’m an adult.”Laura was still never used to that word.No matter how many years it had been.

“And I will miss you,” she coos, picking up Annabelle as she tries to crawl away.“Yes I will.”She tickles her slightly and Annabelle giggles loudly.  

“Don’t mind about us,” Kirsch says with a scowl.

“Oh I’ll miss you too, you big baby.But this one,” she picks Annabelle up and holds her in the air slightly.Annabelle leans forward and pats Laura’s cheeks.“I’ll miss you most.”

“Everyone always likes the kid better,” Kirsch responds but he’s smiling with pride that Laura doesn’t think he’d be able to hide if he tried.

“Well she is cuter than both you and Danny combined.”

“I’m offended.”

“Don’t be. Baby always wins out.”

“I’m going to remember that when you make the same complaint once you have one.”

And he says it so easy.The banter between friends quick and familiar.That it almost doesn’t register.That it almost doesn’t faze her.That she almost laughs.

Almost.

Because then Kirsch’s eyes are widening.And she can see the apology in them.And the proverbial foot in his mouth.

“Laura, I—.”

Laura cuts him off with the wave of her hand, pretending like she can’t feel the weight of some unnamed burden settle onto her shoulders.

“It’s fine.”

“But—.”

“Kirsch,” She grits out, her jaw almost locking at the strength at which she clamps it.“It’s fine.”

Later, when they get back to the house, Laura sends a text to Amanda-Amber-Amelia-Mary.

And when she goes out for the night, she doesn’t come back. 

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_Carmilla lets the car door slam behind her as she starts the ignition._

_“I am never letting you drive again,” she says through her teeth as a sulking Kirsch gets into the back._

_“I thought I knew a shortcut.”_

_LaFontaine laughs from the seat next to her.“Key word being ‘thought’.”_

_Carmilla sees Kirsch flip them off in the review mirror._

_“Should have listened to me,”_

_“You’re just relaying what the GPS says.”_

_“And therefore I am right.”LaF turns and gives Kirsch a smug look._

_“Just make sure the cake doesn’t fall over,” Carmilla says, checking her blind spot and pulling back into traffic._

_It’s Saturday and they’d been slammed all morning.And Carmilla usually only delivered wedding cakes with Perry.But she was home sick.So LaFontaine had offered assistance.And Kirsch had always helped them during his off season._

_Though “help”…that was still up for debate._

_So here they were._

_“You guys free next weekend?”Kirsch shifts in the back seat._

_“As long as Perr is feeling better, we will be.”_

_“Probably.”In the mirror, Carmilla sees him nod.“You want to do something?” She asks as LaF says: “Take a right turn up here.”_

_Kirsch shrugs. “Danny and I were thinking of having everyone over for dinner.”_

_“Going to have to be a special occasion to get me to eat your cooking,” Carmilla says, taking the turn._

_“Any reason why?”LaF asks and Kirsch shrugs._

_“Just, you know, hang out.It’s been awhile.”_

_“We see each other ever day,” Carmilla says and she wonders if she’ll be able to make the green light.They are running a little bit late.Nothing to worry her.But if Perry were to find out, and she sure as shit knows LaF will probably tell her, then she’d freak out._

_And a sick, frazzled Perry is not someone she enjoys dealing with._

_She steps on the gas a little bit._

_“What’s eating you?” LaF asks, turning to Kirsch and when Carmilla checks her mirror she sees he’s started fidgeting.Like an overgrown kid wearing a suit for the first time._

_“Nothing.Can’t a guy want to hang out with his friends outside of work?”_

_Carmilla snorts and LaF turns back to face the road with a: “Whatever you say, bro.”_

_“Danny’s pregnant.”_

_It comes out of nowhere.Though, really not nowhere, Carmilla knows.Because the conversation had hardly died.But nowhere all the same.It is, she thinks, where all things come from._

_And to say she wasn’t expecting it would be an understatement._

_She hadn’t even been aware they were trying.And maybe they weren’t.Maybe they had just gotten lucky._

_And she bets that’s it.No other explanation for it.Because she and Laura had been trying.For months.And it was getting to the point where she couldn’t stand the look of utter defeat every time Laura got her period._

_The hope that maybe, this time it took, whenever she was a day late._

_But it would always come back to defeat.It was always there._

_And it would just be_ her _luck that a friend just got lucky._

_“Car!”LaF yells, bracing a hand on the dash and Carmilla slams on the brakes.Apparently, in the last few seconds, the light turned red._

_She’s faintly aware of the cake shifting in the back of the van as the guy in the car in front of them flips them off.Her heart rate spikes and she takes a deep calming breath._

_Her hands begin to shake._

_“The cake?”LaF says as they and Kirsch turn towards the back of the van._

_“It’s fine,” Kirsch says.And then he smirks.“Wouldn’t have happened if I were driving.”_

_“You okay?”LaF asks and Carmilla is faintly aware of how white her knuckles turned._

_Carmilla nods.“Just imagining you trying to change a diaper,” she says and she hopes her voice sounds as normal as possible._

_He’s got a goofy sort of smile on his face.“Just don't mention I told you to Danny?That’s why she wants to have dinner.”_

_“We’re so there,” LaF says smiling.“Congratulations.”_

_The goofy grin widens and Carmilla wants to wipe it away._

_“Danny hasn’t told Laura, has she?”Because Carmilla knows she needs to be there when she does.Maybe even brace Laura for it.Because she’ll be happy for her friend, she is Laura after all but…_

_If Carmilla is feeling like this, she’s certain to Laura the initial blow will feel like a slap in the face._

_“Don’t think so.”_

_Carmilla nods.Good._ Good _._

_“Hotel’s just up the street,” LaF says, checking the GPS as the light turns green.“Can’t believe you’re going to be a dad.”_

_Kirsch scratches the back of his neck.“Right?”_

_“Just don’t fuck it up,” Carmilla says, pulling into the hotel parking lot.She sees Kirsch’s face wash with panic.“And, you know, congratulations.”_

_Carmilla hopes she doesn’t sound as disappointed as she feels._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

The thing that Carmilla likes most about LaFontaine was that they rarely smiled.

It wasn’t that they were unhappy.They were perfectly happy.(Disgustingly happy when you factored Perry into the equation)But they rarely smiled.Only doing so when the moment called for it.When it was genuine.

They did not pretend to put on a front, like so many others did.Did not pretend to show something that was not there.

It was refreshing.

“You tell her about this and I’ll kill you,” they say, handing Carmilla a freshly rolled joint.

Carmilla snorts.“Not before she’d kill us both.”

It had been an hour since LaF had shown up at the office proclaiming that since Perry was away visiting her family for the weekend, she was to come with them.  

So here they were.

Beer and take out and a joint between them.

LaF holds a lighter out and Carmilla lets the end of the joint burn, taking in a long drag.And god—she exhales—does it feel good.

She passes the joint to back to them.

“What would you have done tonight if I had told you to fuck off?”She asks as they cough, holding their breath too long.

“Wallowed in misery and self pity at being left alone?”

Carmilla snorts.“I’m surprised she didn’t drag you with her.”  
“She tried,” they say and Carmilla can already see the effects of the weed in their eyes.Hell, she can feel it in her muscles. Though she’d be lying if she said it didn’t feel like it used to.“But I’m up to my neck in research.The lab wouldn’t let me get away.”

“So this is a pity party.”

“Figured you’d be the perfect companion.”

Carmilla raises her beer bottle and they toast.

“Can I ask you something?”LaF says after they’ve passed the joint a few more times between them.

“Hm?” Carmilla rolls her head against the back of the couch, her neck feeling too limp to do much else, and she looks at them.

“When you and Laura first started trying, did you feel like you were going to have a panic attack at any given moment?”

And Carmilla is aware of two things.

One.LaFontaine is refreshing because they don’t edge around bullshit either.

Two.She’d really like to take another hit.

She does, snagging the joint from LaF’s fingers after they pull it from their lips.

“Are you and Perry trying?”

She hadn’t been aware.Probably something to do with Perry trying to protect her feelings or some bullshit.

She watches LaF shrug.“Thinking about it.”And she can see the panic and the fear settle onto their face.Clear as day.

“You should.”

“Perr would make an amazing mom,” they say.

“You would make a great parent, too.”

LaF gives her a sort of sheepish look and she gets a feeling they don’t quite believe it just yet.

“I just…”Carmilla passes them the joint.And they take a long calming drag.“What if something goes wrong?”

The _like you_ hangs in the air between them.

“It won’t.”

“You can’t know that.”

Carmilla shrugs.“Can’t know that it will, either.”

“I just can’t…I don’t want to imagine what would happen if something…”

They trail and Carmilla wants to laugh.No need to imagine, she thinks.Because here it is the flesh.

“I mean, you guys tried for so long and…”

Carmilla uses her elbows to push from the couch and lean forward.“Our problem, wasn’t the trying,” she says as she begins to roll another joint.“It was that we shouldn’t have tried in the first place.”

And there it is.

Out and loud.She had once heard that saying things that burdened aloud would cleanse them from you.

Bunch of bullshit too.

She sees LaF give her a small smile.Filled with grief.Sadness.Understanding.Empathy.  

And, Carmilla takes small comfort in the fact that, at the very least, it’s genuine. 

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_A hostile uterus._

_Hostile.Uterus._

_Hostile._

_Carmilla is vaguely aware that she ends the conversation and hangs up the phone._

_And it’s strange, she thinks.Hostile.Because nothing about Laura is hostile.Nothing has ever been.Not yet._

_But maybe that will change._

_Because that’s what life does.It hardens you and sharpens your edges._

_Carmilla feels her hands begin to shake.Or maybe it’s her body.She grabs the back of the couch just in case._

_A part of her is glad the fertility clinic called when Laura wasn’t home.Part of her was glad that Carmilla was the one to answer.And a part of her wishes she was anywhere else but here._

_The door opens.And Laura walks in._

_She's all smiles.Her steps a little bit heavy.But smiles nonetheless and Carmilla knows she’s had a good day.Great day, maybe, even._

_‘Hey,” she says, walking over to Carmilla and placing a quick kiss on her lips.“You will never guess what happened today.I—-Carm?”_

_Carmilla blinks.Swallows hard.And she knows she has to do it.Knows she has to tell her.It wouldn’t be fair to keep it in.To wait.But nothing about it is really fair._

_And that’s why it works so well, she thinks.All things considered equal, all that is unfair is inherently fair._

_Hostile._

_“Carm, what’s wrong?”_

_Carmilla attempts to smile.She thinks she does and Laura’s face falls.“Let’s sit down.”Is what she says.And Laura takes a step closer to her._

_“Are you okay?”_

_“I”m fine.Let’s sit for a second.”_

_“You don’t look fine.”_

_“Let’s sit.”_

_“Carmilla…”_

_“Laura, please, just—.”_

_“What is it?”Laura’s eyes are hard set.Her arms are crossed.Carmilla sighs.Because, of course she wasn’t going to make this easy for her._

_Hostile._

_“The fertility clinic called.” And she doesn’t think she needs to say much else.At least not now.Maybe tonight.Maybe tomorrow.Or in a few days.She’ll explain and give the full reason.But she knows, right now, she doesn’t need to give much else.She can tell._

_It’s in the way that Laura’s shoulders slump.In the way her face drains of emotion.How her eyes go kind of blank.And how she nods.And how her legs shake.How Carmilla has to catch her when she begins to crumble to the floor._

_Yes, Carmilla thinks…_

_Hostile._

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Laura is fairly positive that she is about to die.

She shifts in her seat, eyes trained on the door of the diner.Because any second now, Perry is going to come waltzing through and kill her.

It’s the only explanation for why she would call and ask Laura to meet her.It has to be.Because Perry was Carmilla’s friend first.And just what happened in situations like this.And she and Laura hadn’t spoken since…

The door opens and Perry walks in and Laura sits a little straighter.She tries not to wince as a muscle in her back gives a particularly painful pull.The result of the young, overzealous woman she had met last night.Because if she is going to die, then she might as well face it head on.

But she watches as Perry scans the room.Eyes landing on her.And then a smile.She breezes over, enveloping Laura in a hug before she can even stand, and places a friendly kiss on her cheek.

“I’m sorry I’m late,”she says, sitting down and wiping away nonexistent dirt on their table.“But our intern nearly started a fire.And then there was traffic and…”She waves her hand in a you-know-how-it-goes motion.“Have you ordered yet?”

Laura shakes her head.“No.I was waiting for you.”

Perry smiles, appreciative.And leans forward.“How have you been?”

Wait, what?

“Wait, what?”

Perry looks at her, bewildered.“What?”

Laura doesn’t know what to say.Because the conversation has barely begun and it’s already taking a turn for the unexpected.Though she can’t quite say what she expected to begin with.  

“Laura, are you alright?”

She nods.“Yeah, fine.I just…didn’t think you’d want to know how I was.”

She watches as Perry’s brow knots in confusion.“Why wouldn’t I?”

Laura shrugs.Looks down at her hands as she plays with her fingers atop the table.“You’re…you know, Carmilla’s friend and—-.”

The completely heartbreaking look Perry gives her combined with actually hearing the words out loud make Laura realize how absolutely ridiculous she is.

Though, she supposes, she’s always been that way.

Perry reaches across the table and takes her hand in her own.“Laura you are my friend too, you know.”

Laura smiles and a small part of her suddenly feels like crying.“I know.”

“And it’s been forever since we’ve seen one another.”Months, technically, not that she’s counting.“And we are more than due for a catch up.”Laura watches as Perry smiles and gives her a sort of reaffirming nod and then sits back in her seat.“So.How are you?”

Good.Well.Mediocre.Probably not getting enough sleep, but you know how it is.“Okay.”She settles for.“I’m okay.Busy.”

Perry nods.“I just got back from a visit to my parents.And now we’re trying to renovate the back office at the bakery and—.”

A waitress coms and takes their drink order.They both watch her walk aware for a second before:

“How is she?”

The words are out of Laura’s mouth faster than she even thinks them.And she has a feeling the horrified look of surprise on Perry’s face is mirrored on her own.  

But then Perry’s changes.And she sort of scowls and shakes her head.And let’s out a quiet “hmph” followed by a quiet “you two are unbelievable” that’s so soft that Laura isn’t even sure she says it.

And Laura thinks that maybe, now, Perry _is_ going to kill her.

But then she sighs and shakes her head.“She’s.”A pause.Not unlike Laura’s own.Good.Well.Mediocre.Probably not getting enough sleep, but you know how it goes. “Okay.She’s okay.”

At least, Laura thinks, that makes two of them.  

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_The first time Laura asks comes the Sunday after._

_The fertility clinic had called on a Friday evening.And for that, Carmilla had been thankful.Because it meant no work for Laura.And she had called Perry and quietly explained.“Oh, Carmilla,” she had said as she heard Perry’s heart break through the phone.They hadn’t really told anyone they were trying. But there it was.Said after it was long since gone.“Stay with Laura this weekend.I’ll have LaFontaine come in to help.”_

_Carmilla had never been more thankful for friends._

_And then she and Laura had holed up in their bedroom for a weekend of trashy reality shows and take out._

_“Will you do it?”Laura says just after Carmilla turned out the light, settling in behind her and pulling her close._

_“Do what?” Carmilla asks and when she breathes in she smells berries.Laura’s shampoo.It was new._

_“Get pregnant.”_

****_The_ “Because I can’t _” hangs in the air.Or maybe Laura says it.Carmilla can’t really be sure.Because suddenly her ears are ringing and her body feels tense and she’s worried Laura must feel it._

_But her breathing is low and shallow.And Carmilla can feel the exhaustion throughout Laura’s body._

_“Just sleep,” she whispers instead, with a kiss behind Laura’s ear._

_She’s relieved when Laura does just that._

 

_//_

_//_

 

_The next time Laura asks is on a Tuesday._

_And though she knows she shouldn’t be surprised, Carmilla still feels it.In the way her heart sort of stops for a second.And her throat closes._

_“You want me to carry the baby?”_

_She doesn’t need to ask it.They both know that.But it’s the only thing she can think to say._

_Laura shrugs.And Carmilla can tell.She’s trying to play nonchalant.Trying to play like it’s just a passing thought.But she knows. It’s all Laura’s been able to think about._

_Carmilla knows this because it’s all she’s been able to think about._

_“I…don’t know,” Carmilla answers.Because it’s best to be as honest as possible._

Just don’t ask me to carry the next one _.Her own words ring in her ears.And she had meant it as a joke.She really had.But there had been some truth to it.And she thought Laura had understood._

_Apparently not._

_Her father did always tell her to lay off the sarcasm._

_Laura’s shoulders sink a little.And she sighs.“Would you…consider it?”_

_“Yeah,” Carmilla says.Because she can do that.It’s the fair thing to do.“I’ll consider it.”_

_Laura smiles._

_And Carmilla pretends like she doesn’t already know the answer._

 

_//_

_//_

 

_“What about adoption?”_

_Carmilla asks it before Laura can ask again.Because she’d been asking a lot more often lately.Every other day.Few times a week._

_Laura sighs and pushes her dinner around on her plate.“I know there are kids who need it.I do.But I just…if I can’t conceive,” There’s a venom in the way she says it; self hate a nasty thing to shake.“I just really want to experience pregnancy with you.”_

_“There’s always surrogacy, too.”Carmilla says by way of response._

_And Laura gives her a look.She can’t quite describe it.A furrowed brow and a dip of the head.A sigh that’s not quite there.And she sort of half shakes her head, half nods.“But you are thinking about it, right?”_

_And Carmilla nods because she really can’t think of much else._

_“I’m going for a walk,” Carmilla says an hour later, her jacket already on.The dishwasher is running in the kitchen and Laura is settling onto the couch with a book._

_She doesn’t mean it as an invitation and she feels a cool sense of relief when Laura doesn’t take it as one.“Will you be gone long?”  
Carmilla shrugs.“An hour?”_

_Laura nods and kisses her and Carmilla steps into the night.She stops at the liquor store around the corner first.Buys a pack of cigarettes._

_By the time she gets back to the apartment an hour later, the pack is empty._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Carmilla hates high heels.

With the fiery, burning passion of a thousand stars.They are tight and uncomfortable.And hard to walk in.And completely professional, which her boots were not. 

According to Perry

And she forced Carmilla to wear them for every consultation she did with potential clients.  

Normally she didn’t mind. Not really.Because it was a quick thirty minutes and it meant less bitching from Perry.But today is a day that’s set her sour and moody.Because it’s not anything it ever was supposed to be. And it’s funny how different a year can turn out to be.  

The scar on her stomach pulls and is aching today.Had been all week.Even though it hadn’t for months.

And so she’s wearing the god damn heels and her feet already hurt.

And she’s really rather be anywhere else but here.

Carmilla takes a deep breath, pausing for a moment at the door.She lets her feet sink into the heels and she winces.

They were actually insufferable.  

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting,” she says coming through the door, heading towards the woman sitting at the table in the far corner.She grits out a smile through her teeth as her big toe begins to throb and holds out her hand to the woman.“I’m Carmilla.”

And she freezes.  

The woman stands.And smiles.And there’s a boy, no older than one, latched onto her side; his head nestled into the woman’s shoulder as he sleeps.“Marni, nice to meet you,” the woman says and awkwardly shakes Carmilla’s hand with her left.“Sorry, he fell asleep in the car and I didn’t want to wake him.”

Carmilla nods, feeling a lump in her throat and she’s vaguely aware that her feet are starting to throb.“Why don’t we sit?”

They do.

Marni shifts her son and smiles at Carmilla and Carmilla attempts one back.“What can we help you with?”

“I needed a cake for this little guy, actually,” Marni says.And her eyes turn proud and maternal.“His first birthday is coming up.”

And Carmilla is fairly certain that she’s not breathing. 

She is, she knows, because she is alive.For the most part.A beating, living, walking human being. 

But she can’t catch her breath.“Right.Great.What—ah—what did you have in mind?”

And something about the way she says it makes her feel sick.Because it doesn’t sound like herself.She chalks it up to the faulty, fake, facade of customer service she’s forced to wear.  

“Well, the party theme is fire trucks and…”

Carmilla doesn’t hear anything after that because the boy opens his eyes.He’s groggy with sleep and Carmilla sees slight panic in him until he realizes he’s in his mother’s arms.And then he’s looking at her.Wide eyed and curious.And so like what it is she used to image _his_ would be like.And—.

“I’m sorry,” Carmilla is aware of herself saying. Her ears are ringing and the room is expanding and she needs to leave.“I’m sorry but I have to—.”

And then she’s running.

The second she’s behind the back door she kicks off the heels and makes a beeline for the office.  

“Carmilla?”Perry’s concerned voice comes from the kitchen.Carmilla grabs her bag and stuffs her feet into her boots.“Carmilla what happened?”

She doesn’t answer and she doesn’t stop.  

She’s out the door.

And she runs.  

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_Carmilla isn’t avoiding her._

_She’s not._

_She’s just…going into work early.And staying late._

_It’s busy.Or whatever._

_“Go home, Carmilla,” Perry says as she gathers her belongings._

_“Just need to finish this.”She motions around her to the pots and pans.And it’s not much.Not really anything.Just this._

_Perry looks at her, eyes narrowed, scrutinizing.And Carmilla has to look away because if there is one thing Lola Perry is good at doing it is getting you to talk about your feelings._

_It’s one of her less redeeming qualities._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing.”_

_“Anything you want to talk about?”_

_“Nope.”_

_Carmilla can feel Perry looking at her.Waiting her out.Waiting to see if she takes the bait.And then she sighs.“Fine.Work yourself into a tizzy.But don’t come complaining to me the next time Laura starts telling you how you need to take better care of yourself.”_

_“Goodnight,” Carmilla says, all but pushing Perry out the door._

_The silence that follows the click of the door is calming._

_Or as calming as things can be lately._

_She starts dropping ingredients into the mixer and flour swirls in the air.It moves and flows around her and it makes it a little bit hard to breathe._

_And it’s the abstract, she thinks, as she watches the shapes of the flour shift and change in the light._

_The abstract._

_The idea of it.There and always present.Not a dream.But just an idea.A maybe, probably, one day.But nothing more.And certainly not for her.Not directly._

_Because children are uncomfortable.And the thought of one inside of her?What could get more uncomfortable than that?_

_The flour settles and the mixer comes to life._

_The abstract.Not reality.Just slightly removed._

_But then, Carmilla knows, sometimes the two mix.And nothing can really be done about it._

 

_//_

_//_

 

_When she gets home, Laura is changing._

_Carmilla watches as her hands ghost across her stomach and, she thinks, Laura probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it._

_She smiles and gently sneaks up behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist; trapping both of their hands against Laura’s stomach._

_“Okay,” Carmilla whispers._

_Laura looks over her shoulder, brow furrowed,“Okay?”_

_“I think it’s time you knock me up.”_

_Laura turns in her arms completely, so fast it almost knocks both of them over.Carmilla can see the contained hope building behind her eyes.“Yeah?”_

_Carmilla smiles.Pushes a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear and cups her cheek.“Yeah.”_

_And later, as they lay in bed, a tangled mess of sweat and limbs, Carmilla thinks.Here is the moon.And here are the stars._

_And that’s just what you do for the person you love._

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Carmilla is three gin and tonics in when she sees her.

She doesn’t at first.Not right away.The bar is crowded and hot.And her head is swimming already because she had some beers before she came.But that’s not the point.

The point is, she sees her. 

She sees her walk in.Nod to a few girls here or there.And they all nod back, familiar and flirtatious.  

Carmilla’s hand grips her glass a little bit tighter.  

Because she came here first.To wallow in loathing and pity.And of course the universe would throw Laura her way when she wanted nothing but to be left alone.  

She finishes her drink and waves for another.

It slides before her and she quickly downs half of it.

Carmilla watches as she moves through the crowd with practiced ease.And then she takes a seat at the bar and a gin and tonic is before her before she even has to ask.

Carmilla scowls.Can’t even have a drink to herself.

She watches as Laura takes a sip and then her eyes begin to scan the room.Low and hungry and—.

They go wide when they lock with Carmilla’s.

And then Carmilla watches as she digs into her purse for some cash and throws it on the counter before she’s bolting for the door.

Good, Carmilla thinks, and she settles back into her seat and finishes off the fourth drink.She waves for a fifth.

That makes two of them.  

 

 //

//

 

Laura doesn’t mean to end up here.

She doesn’t.Not really.Not in a planned way.She had just run.And then gotten into her car and driven.

And now, technically, she thinks she’s trespassing.But she doesn’t think anyone will be coming around the cemetery to check anytime soon.

She sighs.And let’s her hand trace along the slab of stone on the ground.Across the letters.

_Jamie_.

Carmilla had whispered the name to her a few days after.When they were still in the hospital.It was what she had wanted to name them, boy or girl.  

Laura had readily agreed.

He would have been a year today.And, she thinks, he would have been sweet.

She hadn't planned to come.She really hadn’t.But seeing Carmilla in the bar had set her running before she had even realized it was happening.

And then she blinked and she was here.

But, she supposes, it shouldn’t really be that surprising.

It wasn’t as if it hadn't been on her mind all week.And a part of her wonders if Carmilla was thinking about it too.If she is aching like Laura.If the ache is worse.

She thinks the bar is probably her answer.

Laura sighs and lets her hand trace along the stone again.And a small part of her is thankful they had been able to bury him.That the casket, however small, had been beautiful and sweet.

And that, even though they had never known him, they had been able to say a proper goodbye.

Her phone buzzes. _You busy tonight?_ Flashes across the screen with Amanda-Amber-Amelia-Mary’s number.  

_I can be at your place in twenty_.  

The reply is instant. _I’ll leave the door unlocked._

And Laura sighs and stands.

She turns towards the grave and gives it a sad, loving smile.She wonders if Carmilla will come.If Carmilla has come.She thinks she hasn’t.Knows she won’t.

“Happy Birthday.”

Her voice is barely a whisper and she feels her heart sink slightly when the night says nothing in return.

But, Laura thinks as she makes her way towards her car, she really shouldn’t have expected anything anyway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! And the comments and love. Y'all are fabulous.
> 
> Many thanks, until next time!


	4. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A giant, wonderful thank you to all of you for taking the time to read and the lovely comments.  
> Enjoy!

_A week before she died, Laura’s mother told her that, at its best and its worst, love was unexpected._

_A car crash and unexpected grief later.It was the one thing Laura believed to be the truest of trues._

_And it was why it came as no shock to her that living with Carmilla was the most unexpected experience of all._

_Carmilla was messy.Extremely so.In a way that Laura didn’t think possible.And, came as quick as shock, as her apartment had always been clean and pristine anytime Laura had been over._

_The side effects of courtship, Laura thinks.Impress until you’re locked in.Then who really cares?_

_Laura really couldn’t blame her for that._

_Carmilla sang in the shower.Though, technically this was something Laura had learned just before they had moved in together.And she did it at all times, no matter when her shower may occur.Nine a.m.Three p.m.Ten p.m.Two a.m._

_Carmilla blasted “music” that Laura is pretty positive is illegal in nine countries when she was brainstorming new recipes._

_She was a compulsive snuggler, though Laura is certain she would never admit it.And she only smoked out of the apartment, when her previous one had been filled with ashtrays._

_During winter days Carmilla would become a mass of blankets and wool on the couch and during the summer, she’d open the windows and walk around in nothing but tank tops and underwear._

_And when Laura, in nothing but a passing, teasing comment, had scolded Carmilla for drinking all of her favorite coffee, she’d woken the next morning to two different coffee canisters, one with a note scrawled on it that read:_

Laura’s Coffee.Touch and DIE.

_Unexpected, Laura thinks, and she’d be lying if it all didn’t make her love Carmilla the more._

_“You going to eat that?”_

_“Hm?”_

_And then there was this._

_Laura looks to her left.To Carmilla sprawled out on the couch, her feet resting across Laura’s legs as she sat.Her nose buried in a book.And she really isn’t sure Carmilla spoke at all._

_But then Laura sees her eyes flick up from the page and peer at her over the book’s top.“You going to eat that?”And then Carmilla waves towards the plate on the coffee table.And the last remaining brownie she’d brought home from work._

_“It’s all yours,” Laura replies and Carmilla gives this small sort of victory smile as she reaches for the treat and all but shoves it in her mouth.“You’d think you’d get tired of eating them, working around them all day.”_

_“The day I stop eating Perry’s brownies is the day hell freezes over.”And then her nose is back in the book and silence settles over them again and Laura turns back to the television and yeah…_

_Then there was this._

_This what, Laura can’t quite explain.A quiet sort of settlement that’s slowly taken over in the course of the last year._

_Disappearing were the nights of chatter and laughter in to the early hours of the morning.Of long dinners spent dissecting days and sharing stories.Replaced with early bed times and rants about long days._

_Unexpected, Laura thinks, before her mind trails to her parents; as it often does in moments like this.How they had been, when she was young.So wild they’d seemed.Filled with constant chatter and shared looks.And noise.Just noise._

_But they had had her.And she had never known her parents as two single people existing in a single space.And maybe this was just what happened to people without children._

_Maybe, Laura thinks, she just missed the memo._

_And sometimes, though rarely, though really it was happening more often now than not, Laura would move right and Carmilla would move left and they would sort of bump and collide.And Laura would let out a quick “Oops, sorry.”And Carmilla would smile with a “Just can’t keep away from me, hm?”_

_And Laura would roll her eyes and Carmilla would kiss her and she’d kind of forget that they’d even collided in the first place._

_And it wasn’t too say they did nothing.They still went out.Date nights every week. Though sometimes they would miss one.And it would be every two.And they still spent time with Danny and Kirsch and Perry and LaFontaine._

_Unexpected, Laura thinks.In a monotonous sort of way._

_“What are you thinking about?”_

_Laura blinks and turns and sees Carmilla looking at her.Brow pulled close, the book open on her chest.“Nothing.”_

_“Just space out for fun then?”_

_Laura shrugs and smiles and she knows she’s probably blushing.She squeezes Carmilla’s calf._

_Carmilla sits up and places her book aside.“You want to go to bed?”_

_“Not really,” and she doesn’t mean anything by it.But Carmilla smirks and her eyes get dark and suddenly Laura is very aware how close they are sitting._

_An effect the woman had had on her since the day they’d met._

_“Is that so?” Carmilla asks and she’s already inching forward._

_And Laura smiles and pulls Carmilla close before pushing her back into the couch cushions._

_And unexpected, Laura thinks, because that night they don’t even make it to the bedroom.They fall asleep on the couch, a tangled mess of bodies and limbs._

_Unexpected, Laura thinks, when she’s woken at three in the morning to Carmilla singing in the shower._ 99 Red Balloons _, Laura recognizes.The German version.And she’s pretty positive Carmilla is butchering every second of it._

_Unexpected.At it’s best times.Unexpected.At it’s worst._

_And, Laura thinks, that maybe her mother hadn’t realized how often the two can blur._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

It’s bright.

That’s the first thing Laura notices upon waking.

Her blinds are closed.She’s got a pillow over her head.And the blankets pulled up even higher.And yet.It’s still too bright.

So bright.

And all she would like to do is go to sleep.Just fall back into her fitful slumber.Because sleep is good.Sleep is easy.Sleep means not having to—.

The unholy sound of her alarm clock pierces the air and Laura wants to throw up.

The ringing doesn’t stop even as she throws her hand out and onto the clock, knocking it off her bedside table and onto the ground.It doesn’t stop as she stands and stretches.It doesn’t stop as she showers in the dark.

Or on her drive to school.

Or in her staff meeting.

And yeah, so maybe she’s wearing sunglasses inside.But maybe that’s not her fault.Maybe the universe seems to have sent out a message that everything just had to become _ten times brighter_ and she didn’t get the memo.

And, Laura thinks, it’s a sad day when not even coffee seems to help.

“Laura, you okay?”

Laura turns and her neck kinks and she’s pretty positive not even her sunglasses could hide her wince.

Principle Adams looks at her, concerned.  

“Fine, just fine.”  
  
“You don’t look it,” Adams says, sitting.And in an instant Laura has never been more annoyed or more grateful for the fact to have a superior who seems to care so much.

Too much maybe.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it?People caring?Too much about one another.She wondered what would happen if they all just stopped.

Maybe they would all get along.

“Just a—,” Laura pauses, because her own voice is far too loud; vibrating through her body and making her head ring even more.“Just a headache.”She finishes with a whisper.

Adams looks at her, down her nose and over her glasses.“Why don’t you go home.We’ll call in a sub.”

Laura is about to protest, but Adams is already holding up a hand.“You’re not in any mood to deal with teenagers today.”

“I’m fine,” Laura says, just as a door slams down the hallway and she has to brace herself against the table.

Who braces themselves when they’re sitting?Apparently she does.So maybe Adams is a little bit right.

“Go home,” Adams says and then she’s up and leaving.And the word sits funny with Laura.Home. _Home_.  

Apartment, she wants to correct. 

But talking really does seem like a bad idea.So she starts to nod.

And _nope_ that’s an awful idea.So she stands.On shaky legs.But she stands. Gathers her bag.

And tries not to see the concerned look Danny gives her as she leaves.Because if she could just get to her car she could get to her apartment.And if she could get to her apartment she could get to bed.And bed meant sleep.

And sleep meant…

Not this.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_Carmilla had always thought cohabiting with another human being would be an uncomfortable experience._

_She had never done it.Shared a space so intimate and close.Her house had been big enough growing up and she’d never had to share a bathroom.Thank God for that, for she surely would have killed her brother._

_And exes came and went before talks of moving in and sharing and life came into the picture._

_It had always seemed a big enigma.Living with another.A someone you didn’t know until a year before.Now suddenly in your life.And you, suddenly in theirs.And then suddenly that life and that space becomes one._

_Uncomfortable.How easily a single person can alter your life.Can carry such weight.Such power._

_Uncomfortable._

_And she had yet to be proven wrong._

_It wasn’t uncomfortable in a bad way.She loved living with Laura because she loved her.Just.Uncomfortable.In a way that couldn’t quite sync.Even as they settled into their routine.Even as they developed a system._

_When Carmilla was loud, Laura needed quiet.And when Laura was loud, Carmilla needed quiet.She had to sleep on the right side of the bed, without reason.But the alarm clock had to be on Carmilla’s side on the left._

_Laura hogged the sheets at night and snored.Though she’d never admit it. So loud and obnoxious that Carmilla often had to wear earplugs._

_She was clean to Carmilla’s mess.Frustratingly so.Because heaven forbid the socks lie on the floor for more than a minute._

_Laura always ate Oreos in threes because, apparently, it was the perfect serving size.And she bit the cap of her red pen when she graded papers.Never the blue.And never the black.But always the red._

_When she made tea at night, she’d always make enough for Carmilla.Even though she never asked._

_She liked to wear socks during the summer and slippers during the winter.But no matter the time of year, she would run and slip and slide on their hardwood floor like a child._

_And when it rained she’d sit at the open window, and let the smell waft though the apartment.Even though the carpet would get wet._

_Uncomfortable, Carmilla thinks.Not in a bad way.Just in a different way.In an awkward sort of dance that you couldn’t quite grasp.Learning how to move with another person on a daily basis.To remember their quirks and their tendencies, with no time for preparation or planning._

_You learned as you went and had to hope you’d remember what it was you had when the test came._

_“Ooops, sorry.”_

_“Just can’t keep away from me, hm?”_

_She had said it the first time as a joke.But it had become part of the routine._

_Because when Carmilla moves left, Laura moves right.And the colliding and the bumping seemed to be something they couldn’t get around._

_It was beginning to happen more and more lately._

_Uncomfortable, Carmilla thinks.Awkward and slightly off kilter._

_She watches as Laura rolls her eyes and tries to reach around her to the counter.But Carmilla pulls her close and kisses her lightly._

_When they pull back, Laura is smiling but she rolls her eyes again and shoves slightly on Carmilla’s shoulder.“If you don’t let me get the spatula the couscous is going to burn.”_

_“Can’t have you ruining dinner now, can we?”_

_“I don’t think that would make it my fault.”_

_“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”_

_Laura whacks her with the spatula then turns back to the stove.“Danny was wondering if we all wanted to get dinner tomorrow night.”_

_Carmilla grabs some plates from the cabinet.“As long as it’s not that Italian place again.”_

_“That waiter was_ not _flirting with me.”_

_“You’ve never been good at recognizing a man’s advances.”_

_“Because I’ve never been interested.”_

_“And how lucky we all are for that,” Carmilla whispers and cackles when Laura whacks at her again._

_Not uncomfortable in a bad way.Because it never could be.They still laugh and they flirt.And friends and family still tell them what a nice couple they make.And it’s gross and saccharine but it’s true._

_But…_

_It’s the last thing they say before they settle into the table and a silence comes over them.Broken only on the occasion with a “How are your students?” and “Do you have a lot of orders this weekend?”_

_Uncomfortable, Carmilla thinks, how one can run out of things to say so early in the evening.When you have the whole night to spend together._

_“Movie?”Laura asks later, as she often does, when they move from the table to the couch and the silence hasn’t been broken for a while._

_“Sure,” Carmilla replies and throws her legs onto Laura’s lap._

_A part of the routine they’d managed to master._

_They browse through Netflix until they find a movie they can both agree on.And the silence is filled with music and stories._

_And later they will move to the bedroom, Carmilla knowsAnd Laura will brush her teeth while Carmilla gets into her pajamas.And they will bump into one another in the door way as they trade places.And they will settle into bed and the silence will engulf them again until it’s filled with sleep._

_Uncomfortable.Carmilla thinks.How easily life can fall into routine.How easily two lives can become one._

_Uncomfortable.Just awkward and new, though it’s been over a year.But not bad.Never bad._

_Because Laura’s lap is warm.And her hands are soft and gentle as they absentmindedly rub up and down Carmilla’s calf._

_Uncomfortable._

_But it wasn’t like it was anything she couldn’t get used to._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

The music is loud.

Blasting.The walls vibrating from the sound of the bass.Plates and bowls rattling against metal counter tops.

She smiles.

_You’re going to go deaf, Carmilla_. _Would you please start thinking about your health, Carmilla?_

Carmilla snorts as she pours batter into pans.Her head bobbing along to the music, Perry’s faint nagging echoing through her mind just above the beat of the bass.But she doesn’t care.Because it’s not like she has earbuds in.And it’s three in the morning.And she’s working.And she’s not living with someone whose nose scrunches at her taste in music—-.

Carmilla turns the volume up louder and she feels the vibrations soar through her body.

And, she thinks, a small part of her should be concerned.Concerned that this, with the dial turned to a hundred.And the middle of the night.And drowning herself in piles of pans and flour and batter and mixes.

The feel of the music vibrating through her body.Pushing her blood and moving her arms.The night and the scent of a baking cake allowing her to breathe.It’s the only way she’s been able to do it, recently.  

To move and to breathe.Aided by the scents and sounds.  

Because she can’t seem to do anything otherwise.

And she hates herself for it.Because it’s sad.And pathetic.  

But so if fucking life.And what’s a little more salt on the wound?

So, really, in the long run, it’s not that big of a deal.

And she’s productive.She gets shit done.The bakery has never been better prepped or prepared for each day.So no one can complain.

Not that they’d dare to anyway.

Carmilla snorts.

It’s six am when she finishes dropping the last of her dishes on the drying rack.And right on time, she thinks, as she hears Perry unlocking the back door.

They meet in the doorway to the office.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” Perry asks, as Carmilla kicks off her shoes and grabs a jacket.

“For a smoke and then bed.”

From the corner of her eye, Carmilla can see Perry look to the couch with disgust.Her sheets and blankets thrown haphazardly.

She was never one for making her bed.

And Perry doesn’t sigh.She doesn’t.But she may as well have.Carmilla can see it in the way her body sort of tenses.How her lips purse and her breathing clips before she lets out a long exhale.

“ _What_?” Carmilla asks through gritted teeth.And she’s fairly aware that she sounds rude.That she’s being rude to the one person who certainly doesn’t deserve it.

But she kind of doesn’t care.  

She stopped caring about things months ago.

She watches as Perry shakes her head and turns away.“Sleep well, Carmilla,” she says over her shoulder.

Carmilla does just that.

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_The first time Laura thought about being a mother she was ten years old._

_She had been playing house with Marcus, a boy from her class, at recess.And she had thought, how nice would it be to have a baby some day._

_It was passing and fleeting.A child’s quick fancy._

_But on the occasion the thought would resurface as she got older.At fifteen.Seventeen.Twenty-one.Twenty-Two.Twenty-Three.Until it became a yearly, monthly thing.And now, here it was glaring her in the face as she sat at the baby shower after work.A quick get together for Nancy, the ninth grade science teacher._

_“I think Kirsch and I might start trying,” Danny says, almost absentmindedly, as they sit at the edge of the room.Watching some party game unfold.With diapers and chocolate.And it was really kind of disgusting when you thought about it._

_“Yeah?”_

_Danny shrugs.And looks a little bashful but hopeful. “I brought it up to him the other day and he seemed excited about it.”_

_“That’s great.”Laura says and she means it.Though it strikes her as odd that she is now at the age where this will become a normal occurrence.She places her hand on Danny’s and gives it a light squeeze.“I call dibs on favorite aunt.”_

_Danny laughs.And nods.“I think Perry might fight you for that.”_

_“Perry might have the gift of the baking gods,” Laura quips.“But I always have gum.”_

_Danny snorts._

_“This is exciting.”_

_“Not pregnant yet.”_

_Laura shrugs. “But still.Exciting.”_

_And, Laura thinks, maybe it could finally be exciting for her, too._

 

_//_

 

_A week later and Laura really can’t get it out of her mind._

_Because it would be exciting.And new.And she thinks of the hopeful look on Danny’s face when they had talked about it.And she can’t help but think what it would feel like._

_She’d always wanted to be a mother, deep down.And suddenly it was all she could think about._

_She was keenly aware that she was approaching thirty.And she’d found a grey hair the other day.And her back was already starting to ache.She could barely handle one drink anymore._

_Really, they weren’t getting any younger._

_Exciting.Laura thinks.And new.And different.And frightening.Exciting._

_Unexpected, only in the best possible way._

_“How many kids do you want to have?”Laura asks the following Friday, a spread of Thai food between her and Carmilla on the table._

_Carmilla snorts as she picks up Pad Thai with her chopsticks.“None.”She says it almost flippantly.Like she maybe didn’t even hear the question correctly.And then spoons the Pad Thai into her mouth._

_And Laura can’t help the immediate sinking of her heart at the absolute disgust she can hear underlying the single word.“Really?”_

_Carmilla looks at her then and Laura thinks she must look as disappointed as she feels because Carmilla’s eyes suddenly go wide and her chopsticks go limp in her hand and she lets out a quiet “Shit.”Followed by “You’re…you’re serious?”_

_And Laura kind of wants to roll her eyes because who wouldn’t be serious when talking about starting a family?She shrugs.And tries to play nonchalance.But she’s sure she’s probably failing.“I mean…I just…I’ve always wanted a family.”_

_Carmilla nods.And seems to be having a hard time looking at her.She thinks she hears a quiet “fuck”._

_“Right…no, of course.”Carmilla says and she shifts and starts to pick at her food._

_And they fall into a silence.Uncomfortable and itchy.Unbarring.A scratch.Impossible and hard to reach._

_And when they move to the couch, Carmilla keeps her distance; her nose deep in her book.But Laura can tell she’s only pretending to read. Because she’s doing the same._

_And when they move to the bedroom they both kind of lie on their backs.Staring at the ceiling.And Laura doesn't sleep and she can tell Carmilla isn't either._

_“Would you ever…” It’s two in the morning when Laura finally breaks the silence.Because she can’t really take it any longer.“I mean.Do you ever think you could want kids one day?”_

_Laura feels the bed shift as Carmilla seems to shrug.“I mean I….I hadn’t ever really thought.I’d need to think about it?”_

_Laura nods.“Okay.”And out of her peripheral she sees Carmilla turn her head to look at her.Slowly Laura follows suit and there’s an unreadable expression staring back._

_“Okay,” she says.And then they both sort of smile and turn back to the ceiling and Laura feels her smile fade._

_At four, when Carmilla’s alarm clock sounds.They both rise.And Carmilla goes left and Laura goes right.And they both sort of stumble around the kitchen.Because they usually don’t get ready at the same time._

_They whisper quiet goodbyes._

_Start their days, heading in different directions._

_And yeah, Laura thinks._

_Unexpected._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Laura does not hate most things.

She thinks, really, she likes most things.Quite a lot, when given enough thought.And her father had always told her to keep an open mind.

But doctor’s offices.Well, that was a different story.

She hated them.She really did.Always had.And if the past two and a half years of her life had been anything, it was the proof in the pudding.They were just so…

Sterile.And sickly clean.And shiny.And cold.She avoided them at any and all costs.

Except, here she was.Feet dangling off the edge of the exam table, the paper across it crinkling with every breath of her body.

It did nothing to help the headache.

Laura sighs and brings her glasses back down over her eyes.  

It helps.

Barely.

But she’s here.And she can’t really back out now.

Because she’s now missed a week of work.And the headache has done nothing but remain a constant, aching thud behind the eyes.  

Nothing had helped.  

The only, momentary relief, she had been able to find were her nights.When she’d slip into the bar and find a girl.

Sex and endorphins did wonders for ailments.

Until she got home and climbed into bed.And then it was back.

More unbearable than ever.

And on goes the cycle, Laura thinks as the door opens and the doctor enters.

“Well, Ms. Hollis.I have to say I’m a bit stumped,” he says with a goofy smile and it reminds Laura even more of why she hates a doctors’ visit.

They all just think they’re so freaking funny.

“You don’t know what’s wrong?”  
  
“Any test that I can do in the office here has come back fine.Our next step would be a trip to the hospital.”Laura pales.“But I think we may be able to avoid that.”

Laura nods and there she goes with her bad ideas again.

“Laura, how would you rate your current level of stress lately?”

And Laura wants to laugh.And she would.If it wouldn’t prove to be so painful.  

“I’m not stressed.Not really.”

And it’s not a lie.She’s been living off the same level of stress for the past year and a half.It’s become so normal that if she were to relax, she’s pretty sure her body would go into shock.

So she wasn’t.Not anymore than usual.  

She watches the doctor nod.“I’m going to subscribe you a weekend of bed rest.I don’t want you to do anything other than eat, sleep, and relax. Come the new week, if the headaches haven’t subsided, we’ll move on to more tests.”

“I’ve had a week of bed rest.”And Laura is faintly aware that she sounds like a five-year-old child.“Don’t you have anything that you can give me.Just to help ease the throbbing?”

And maybe it’s not exactly the truth.Because technically, _technically_ , she still goes out at night.But it’s only a few hours. If that.And the rest of the week had been spent in bed.

And yet, here she still was.  

The doctor smiles and Laura takes small pride in noting that he had already been starting to write a prescription.“Just a super tylenol.Nothing fancy.Take one in the morning.But,” he pauses and Laura notes that his face suddenly fills with genuine concern.“I must stress the bedrest.Understand?”  
And Laura wonders if maybe this guy’s a mindreader because he’s definitely looking at her like he knows her secret.

She grabs the prescription and throws it in her purse.

“Yes, sir.”

Later that night, as Laura sits at the bar, gently sipping her gin and tonic, she lets her eyes roam.She doesn’t sit as comfortably tonight, the table at the doctor’s office throwing off her posture.And she’s pretty positive she smells like sterile walls and sanitizer.  

But, she knows, the musk of the bar will cover it quick.And it won’t take long.

Across the room, her eyes catch a pretty brunette.Staring back at Laura over the rim of her glass.  

Nice and easy, Laura thinks, just exactly as it should be.And she could already feel the rush of endorphins and pleasure coursing through her body.  

She had promised the doctor bed.  

And she intended to keep that promise.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_The thing about uncomfortable, Carmilla thinks, is how easily it can go from a tolerable adjustment to painfully unbearable._

_They had barely spoken in two weeks.And Carmilla knows it’s partly her fault.The first few days after Laura had asked, she’d barely been able to look at her.Embarrassed by her own flippant response to Laura’s question._

_Embarrassed because of the way Laura seemed to look at her now._

_A sort of wide eyed look as if she was just seeing for Carmilla for the first time.And it made her uneasy.Because what if she was?And what if she didn’t like what she saw?_

_God knew, so many people didn’t before her._

_And uncomfortable.Yeah.Just uncomfortable._

_The kind she wasn’t quite sure how to handle._

_It wasn’t that they were ignoring one another.No.It was this new sort of dance.A kiss in the morning.Off to work.A “how was your day.” “Good and yours.”“Can you pass the ketchup?”“Movie?”“Sure.” A kiss at night._

_And repeat.Repeat.And repeat._

_The silences were awkward and Carmilla was distinctly aware of how they both seemed to be breathing._

_Tense and held.Clipped and unsure._

_Carmilla would move left and Laura would move right._

_“Oops, sorry.”_

_“No, no, sorry.”_

_And then Carmilla would step right and Laura would move left.And then left and right.And there would be an awkward sort of laughter._

_A kiss._

_And have a good day._

_Carmilla sighs and shifts on the couch.Even it didn’t seem to be as comfortable as it used to be._

_“Seriously?”Carmilla looks up to see Laura standing in the doorway to the bedroom, one hand on her hip and the other holding a clump of wet, damp hair._

_“Why do you have hair in your hand?”_

_Laura’s eyes narrow and she lets out a frustrated huff.She walks over and flings it onto Carmilla’s stomach.“Hey!”She wipes it off and they both watch as it falls to the ground._

_Laura glares._

_“What the hell was that for?”_

_“For leaving your hair in the drain._ Again _.”Laura says as if it’s supposed to be the most obvious thing in the world.And maybe it kind of is, but Carmilla thinks it doesn’t warrant hair throwing in the middle of their living room._

_“Christ, Laura, it’s just hair.”_

_She watches as Laura huffs and her jaw clenches and her fists tighten on themselves.“Do you think you could be capable of being considerate for two seconds?”_

_And Carmilla kind of has to shake her head because her mind can’t seem to catch up with the conversation and it’s barely even begun.“I’m sorry living with me appears to be such an incredible burden.”_

_“That’s not what I meant.”_

_“Well it sure as hell seems that way.”_

_And then Laura is shaking her head and her anger is waning and she’s turning away.“You know what, forget it.”_

_“No, please.Clearly you have something on your mind.”_

_And Carmilla is a bit surprised at how fast Laura seems to turn back on her.“I have asked you a million times to clean your hair out of the drain.”_

_Carmilla rolls her eyes and huffs.Because fine, maybe she has, but it’s no reason to get her panties into a fucking twist.She bends and grabs the hair.Marches over to the trash under a nearby cabinet and makes a show of dropping it in.“Happy?”_

_“So she is capable of picking up after herself.”_

_“Gee, sorry Mom.I’ll try to do better next time.”_

_“Well forgive me for not realizing living with you would be like picking up after a child.”_

_Uncomfortable.Carmilla thinks.Not awkward not new.Uneasy and unbearable.“What the hell is your problem?Are you PMS-ing or something?”_

_And so maybe, Carmilla says it because she knows it will piss Laura off even more.Maybe.But maybe she also kind of doesn’t care._

_“Don’t be an ass.”_

_“Well I didn’t think hair would be cause for World War III.”_

_“You don’t think a lot about things, do you?”_

_And Carmilla feels her own anger boiling.And her fists sort of clench.And she has half the mind to grab her jacket and leave.And a small part of her is thankful that she’s still calm enough to know it will only make it worse._

_“You want to tell me what the hell is really wrong with you?Or do I have to sit here and guess all day.”_

_“Nothing is wrong.”_

_“Christ, Laura, I am not going to play this game.”_

_“I’m not a child.”_

_“Well you sure are acting like one.”_

_“How would you know if you don’t want any?”  
And there it is.Isn’t it.And she should have known.Of course.Because uncomfortable.And awkward.And unbearable._

_“That’s not what I said.”_

_“Yes, it is.I asked if you wanted kids and you laughed and told me no.”_

_“You caught me off guard!”_  
  
“Well sorry _the thought of our future hasn’t entered your mind.”_

_“Just because I haven’t thought about kids doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about our future?”_

_Laura snorts and Carmilla rolls her eyes.“What the hell do you think happens after people start living together, Carmilla?”_

_And Carmilla counts to five.Because she really can’t think to do anything else.“Fuck, I don’t know.I haven’t thought about it much, that what you want me to say?”_

_“Well maybe you should have before you asked me to move in.”_

_“Maybe you should have before you said yes.”_

_And their words kind of hang in the air.And they are both breathing kind of heavy.And Carmilla feels like she may be having a sort of out of body experience._

_Because_ what the fuck _._

_And then Laura’s eyes go wide and her shoulders slink and she rests her head in her hand._

_And Carmilla lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding._

_Uncomfortable._

_Laura looks at her then and Carmilla can see the apology brimming in her eyes.And then she slinks over to the couch and slumps into it._

_Carmilla takes a deep, steadying breath before following.She falls onto the couch and their shoulders brush and Carmilla is acutely aware that this is the most they’ve touched in a fortnight._

_“We’re a fine pair, aren’t we?” Laura says._

_Carmilla snorts.“You’ve been spending too much time with Perry.”_

_Laura nudges her and there’s a sad sort of smile pulling at her lips.“I’m sorry,”She whispers, looking down at her hands._

_“Me too.”Carmilla places her hand atop Laura’s.She gives a light squeeze and Laura smiles. It’s uneasy._

_Uncomfortable, Carmilla thinks._

_“You really did just catch me off guard.That’s all.”_

_“Carm, you said you wanted zero kids.None.Nada.”_

_“I don’t think I was that insistent.”_

_“But—.”_

_“It’s just never…it’s never been a part of the plan.I need some…time.”_

_“I’m not going to force you to have kids with me.”_

_“Laura, that is not what I’m saying.”  
  
“I know but—.”_ Carmilla pinches her lips and Laura glares and Carmilla feels sense of relief at how playful it seems. 

_“I would never bring a child into this world if I didn’t want to.I’m a lot of things but I’m not irresponsible.”_

_Laura blushes but nods.And turns her palm up to lace their fingers together._

_They both sink into the couch, until their entire arms are touching.Then their hips.And their thighs.And Laura runs her thumb over Carmilla’s knuckles._

_And it’s quiet._

_“Movie?”_

_“Sure.”  
  
They settle in._ And for the first time in two weeks it feels normal. 

_And normal, Carmilla thinks._

_That she can handle._

 

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

She’s about to turn the music on when there’s a pounding from the back door.

Carmilla sighs.And looks to her right.At her perfectly lined pots and pans.Her ingredients set out. 

A crisp paper list with a pen next to it, waiting for the lines to check each item off.

There’s a pause in the knocking and Carmilla holds her breath.Because no one should be rapping at the bakery back door at six in the evening.  

A drunk, she thinks.Already drowning the days sorrow in whiskey and rye.

Poor fool.

But then the knocking starts again.Even louder.And _Jesus Christ_ , it doesn’t sound like they are going to stop.

She throws down her towel, marches towards the back door.“I swear to God, I don’t care who you are if you—-What are you doing here?”

Carmilla watches as Danny’s eyes go wide, her fist raised in another knock.She looks like Carmilla is the last person she was expecting.

Mutual, she thinks, as she crosses her arms and rests her weight between the frame and the door, effectively cutting Danny from entering.

“What are you doing here?”

Carmilla rolls her eyes.“I own here.Now answer my question.”

Danny huffs and glares slightly.And Carmilla knows there’s really no need to be rude.But she was interrupted.

And being such was never something she took to kindly.

“I’m here for Perry.”

“Perry left an hour ago.”

Danny’s brow furrows and she looks down.Digs into her pocket and pulls out her phone.She quickly flicks the screen as she scrolls through only God knew what.

Carmilla huffs.

“I told her I would pick her—.”Danny shakes her head and throws her phone in her purse. “Do you know if she’s coming back?”

A shrug.“Beats me, said she had somewhere to be at six-thirty.”

Danny shakes her head and starts to fidget.“And now I’m going to be late.”

“Hot date?”  
  
“Just dinner with friends.”

The words don’t really mean anything to Carmilla.A passing phrase of four strung together.But it’s when Danny’s eyes widen even more and she runs a nervous hand through her hair that Carmilla feels like she’s been slapped in the face.

“I mean I don’t—-.”

Carmilla holds her hand up and she suddenly feels every reason to be rude.“It’s fine.Whatever.”

And then something happens that Carmilla can’t quite place.Danny’s eyes soften and she rings her hands together.And she shifts her weight from side to side.And she looks like she’s just about to say something.  

“What?”

Danny shakes her head before Carmilla can even finish the question.“It’s….nothing.It’s nothing.”  
  
Carmilla narrows her eyes.Taking in Danny’s nervous frame.And nervous is not something she usually attributed to her.She was tall and confident, annoyingly so, but never this…mess.

And Carmilla can feel it.Before she even really knows what it is.That worry, setting in.Swift and moving.A sixth sense, built from years together.Uncontrollable, even at the worst of times.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“ _Danny_.”

Danny sighs and Carmilla watches as she runs a hand through her hair.“Look everything is…it’s fine.Everything’s fine.”

Carmilla clenches her fist.Because she doesn’t believe her.And she can tell that Danny knows it too.But it’s not her place to push, she knows. 

It makes her even more furious.

“Then are you going to leave or what?I don’t appreciate trespassers at my home or business.”

Carmilla didn’t think it would be possible but somehow Danny looks even more bewildered.“You live here?”

Carmilla waves her hand in the air. “Whatever.I have to bake.”

She’s about to slip back inside when Danny holds out a hand, stopping the door from closing.“You should uh—text Kirsch,” she says and she looks down the street.“He’s been complaining about not having a drinking buddy.”

“Enjoy your dinner.”

And then she slams the door before Danny can say anything else.

She tries to take a step back towards the kitchen but her legs feel shaky and she pauses a moment.Bent forward as she takes deep breaths, her head between her legs.

For a second she thinks she might be sick.But it’s fleeting and quick and gone before she can even really think about it.

And then she stands.

Tall and twists, popping out the kinks in her back.

A deep breath.

It takes all night for her to complete her list.A short one that should have only taken a few hours.But her hands are shaking.And she keeps dropping shit.And it’s hard to breathe.And the flour makes it worse.

She’s barely finished when Perry arrives the next morning, tired and sad, and tells her to sleep.

And she can’t.It’s fitful and shallow and every time her mind settles it’s buzzing again.  

At noon she wakes and helps Perry finish the rest of the days orders.

She tries to ignore the concerned looks she gets.And when Perry asks…

Carmilla doesn’t answer.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

Laura is surprised when LaFontaine answers the door.

They smile at her, a little sheepish, and step aside.“Just in time.”

“I did just drive to Danny’s, didn’t I?”Laura asks as she steps through the door.Because yes, she did.Danny had told her to come over for dinner, since “it had been so long”, and Laura had felt guilty.

Because it had.Never mind that she saw her at work every day.But outside of it….she just hadn’t had time.

She liked to tell herself it was because she was busy.

But Danny hadn’t mentioned anything about LaFontaine at dinner.Not that Laura minded.But an absence of details was not something Danny usually did.

“Fortunately. Kirsch is grilling steaks. Hope you’re hungry.” And there is something about the way they are smiling at her that puts Laura on edge.

Friendly.Yes.But overly so.

An overcompensation.

She’d gotten so good at it, she could recognize it a mile away.

Laura follows LaFontaine into the sitting room, where they are met with a flustered Kirsch and Perry, who looks like she’ trying to defuse a bomb.

“…How is she living at the bakery?I thought she found a place to stay.”

“Kirsch, it’s fine.She’s comfortable.She just hasn’t been able to find a place yet.You know how it is.”

“I should talk to her.”

“If you want.But really it’s okay.”

“But Laura found a place right—.”

“Laura,” LaFontaine interrupts, a little too loudly, Laura thinks.“Has arrived.”

Kirsch and Perry both look bashful as they turn to greet Laura.And she’s barely aware that they too are looking at her far too bright and far too happy.But it’s hard to process when the hairs at the back of her neck stand on edge.

And her entire body goes stiff and there’s a sixth sense of dread filling her core.Built and practiced after years together.

_Living at the bakery_.

And worry too.Swift and moving.But she takes a deep breath and pushes it away.  

Swallows and it’s gone.

Danny’s head pops around from the kitchen.“Hey!You’re finally here.”

“I didn’t realize we were having a party.”

Laura watches them all exchange nervous looks and then Perry steps forward.“Want to sit down?”  
“Dinner is almost ready,” Kirsch adds, “I’ll check on the steaks.”

Laura sits and Perry and LaFontaine flank her sides on the couch.Danny sits on a chair.

“How’ve you been?” LaFontaine asks.

“Fine,” Laura says with a shrug.And the unease builds more.  

“Danny mentioned you’d missed work.”

Laura glares at Danny and she takes small satisfaction in seeing that she has the small decency to look sheepish.“It was just a couple of days.”

“Laura, it was two weeks.”

And Laura sees Perry flick her hand lightly and LaFontaine shakes their head.Both of them barely moving, as if to quietly tell Danny to slow down.

“Well I’m back now.”

But it doesn’t seem to be the answer any of them are looking for and they all kind of shift and “Okay, what is going on?”  
  
Laura watches as they all share this _look_.And yeah: “Seriously.What is going on?”

Finally, Danny sighs and leans forward slightly.“I just thought that if we all got together.Maybe you might want to…talk.”  
  
“Talk?”

“Laura, Danny’s just worried,” Perry says, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.But it’s not comforting.It’s hot and heavy and it seems to start the room closing in.“We’re all worried.”  
  
LaFontaine is nodding.“We don’t want you to exhaust yourself.”

Laura looks to all of them.And they all look so…soft.And worried.And caring.

And she feels angry.“Is this some sort of intervention?”  
  
They are all a little too quick to deny it.And if that isn’t the proof, Laura doesn’t know what is.

“We’re just…”

“Worried?”And Laura is surprised at how harsh her own voice sounds.She stands.“I’m fine.”She grabs her purse and starts to kick her way around their legs to get away.  
  
“Laura, where are you going?”

“Somewhere that’s not here.”

“Laura wait just…”

But she doesn’t.She doesn’t wait for their pleas.Or their concern.Or Danny’s hand on her arm trying to get her to stay.

And she tries not to think about the fact that it’s hard to breathe.And that she’s running and that she’d like nothing more to get as far away from friends and worry and care as possible.

Because she’s fine.

She’s _fine._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_It smells funny._

_It’s the first thing that Laura notices when she gets home.And it’s a second later she sees the candles lit about the room.Which is odd because, though Carmilla has the biggest collection of candles Laura has ever seen, she only lights them for special occasions._

_And their anniversary isn’t for another few months._

_And it’s not Carmilla’s birthday._

_And Laura is pretty positive it’s not her birthday._

_“What are you doing back early?”_

_Laura turns to see Carmilla looking at her, wide eyed.A bowl of salad in hand._

_“I always get home now,” Laura says as Carmilla sets the bowl on the table and she sees what appears to be a complete spread of dinner and dessert._

_She watches as Carmilla checks her watch.“Shit.”She runs a nervous hand through her hair._

_“What’s going on?”Laura approaches the table._

_Carmilla’s hand combs through her hair again.And her eyes go a little wide.She shifts her weight from foot to foot.Laura doesn’t think she’s ever seen her look so nervous.And then she just sort of blurts:_

_“We should get married.”_

_“What?”_  
  
“What?” 

_Laura’s eyes go wide.And she looks to the table.To the spread.And the candles.Only reserved for special occasions and…_

_And then she’s smiling.Because she can’t really help it.She takes a careful step towards Carmilla, who still appears to be a bouncing bundle of nerves._

_“You don’t believe in marriage,” Laura says and Carmilla laughs._

_It seems to break whatever tension is in her body because suddenly she’s smiling too.“Neither do you,” she says, as she takes a step closer to Laura._

_Laura thinks she must look like a complete fool as her smile grows.Because she didn’t.And Carmilla didn’t.It had been one of the first things they agreed on upon meeting._

“I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that I love and am committed to someone.” _Laura had said one night at Perry’s.Carmilla had responded with a “_ Cheers _” and a clink of their wine glasses together._

_Laura still remembers the way she smiled at her over the rim of her glass._

_“But,” Carmilla continues as she takes another step close and winds her arms around Laura’s waist._

_“But?”_  
  
“Your dad will kill me if I don't make an honest woman of you.” 

_“An honest woman?”_  
  
And Laura knows it’s coming before it happens.Though what it is, she can’t quite say.But it’s in the way Carmilla suddenly smirks.And her eyes go dark.And her head sort of tilts.All signs, Laura had come to learn, that meant whatever it was Carmilla was about to say, was utterly goofy and dorky and done only for the sake of teasing Laura. 

_“Yeah, you know.First comes love.Then comes marriage._ Then _comes baby in the baby carriage.”_

_Laura’s breath catches in her throat, because there’s no way Carmilla means what she thinks she means._ “Carm?”  
  
Carmilla smiles and nods and shrugs. 

_“But you said…”_

_Laura watches as Carmilla shakes her head and pulls her close.“I just never really thought about it before.Being a mom.But,” She pauses.And her eyes catch Laura’s and she suddenly looks earnest and serious.“Of course I want to have a family with you.”_

_“Yeah?”It’s all Laura can seem to say. Because if she says anything else she’s sure she’ll start crying.Though that just might happen anyway._

_“Yeah.So,” Carmilla squeezes her and that dorky look is back._ “You wanna get married tonight or…?”  
  
“Tonight?” And a small laugh bubbles from Laura.Because with each word from Carmilla, the night seems to take a new, unexpected turn.   

_Carmilla shrugs again.“You don't need a paper, right?”_

_Laura shakes her head and somehow she thinks her smile gets bigger.“No, I don’t.”_

_“So I thought.Just you and me.No paper.Or frills.Or crowds.Just us.”Her eyes flit down and though she plays it down, Laura can hear the self-conscious lilt lining her words._

_“Someone’s been binge watching Grey’s Anatomy again.”_

_Carmilla rolls her eyes and huffs.“Is that an ‘I do’ or not?”_

_Laura tangles her hand into Carmilla’s hair and pulls her close._

_And she spends her night whispering her “I do” across Carmilla’s skin.Ghosting and tender.Breathing her promise from Carmilla.Sweet and gentle._

_It’s later, when they reheat their dinner, and Carmilla half heartedly grumbles about how it won’t taste as good.But Laura shushes her with a kiss and they settle with their plates back in bed._

_They eat with their hands and talk through the night until the wicks of the candles burn out._

_Unexpected, Laura thinks, as they finally settle to sleep; the sun beginning to peak through the curtains._

_In the best of all possible ways._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

The rule was to never get drunk.

It wasn’t written.Nor was it law.But it was an act of self control.Her own rule.And so, she thinks, it’s rightfully hers to break.

And rules, Carmilla had always told her, were meant to be broken.  

So she ignored the lingering looks and leers from the women around her.And enjoyed more than half a glass of gin and tonic.And stayed until last call.And allowed the bartender to call her a cab.

“Bet you’d thought you'd never see this day?”Laura is faintly aware of saying as the bartender helps her from the stool and towards the door.

And she laughs.Because it’s a joke.And it’s funny.She’s fine and she’s funny.

She’d always enjoyed her own sense of humor.

So she laughs.She laughs as the bartender helps her into the cab.And she laughs as the cabby guides her through the city.And she laughs as she throws him a twenty and stumbles out.

She laughs as she digs through her purse for her keys.

She laughs until she sees Danny sitting outside her apartment door.

Anger, she thinks, is horribly sobering.

“I didn’t realize stalking was part of an intervention,” Laura says and she has to give a small laugh.Because she really is kind of funny.

Her leg dips slightly and she almost falls.Danny catches her with an exasperated sigh.

Laura pushes her away.“No.Thank you.I don’t need your help.I’m fine.”And she kind of stumbles into her door as she gets it open.

“Laura, I think current circumstances suggest otherwise.”

Laura snorts and stumbles inside.And she’s faintly aware that she forgets to close the door.But, _whatever_ , Danny is there so she can do it.

But she doesn’t.Or she does.After she helps herself inside.

“Go home, Danny.”

“No.”

“It’s two in the morning and we have to work tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is Saturday.”

Right. Good.That’s good. Because she’s pretty sure she wouldn’t be able to teach even if she tried.“Well then you should sleep because you have Saturday tomorrow.”

And another laugh because she really is on a roll tonight.

Danny sighs and Laura scowls.

“Does Kirsch know you’re here?”  
  
“Of course he knows I’m here.I came here after you left.”

Hours ago.Laura snorts.“Must have been pretty boring for you then.”And she takes small satisfaction in just how uneventful a time it must have been.“Serves you right for bombarding me.”

Danny sighs and Laura sees her run a hand through her hair.“Look, I’m sorry you felt bombarded.But Laura—-.”And then her face is changing.Softening with worry and—-Laura has to look away.“—-You have to talk to someone.”

And somewhere, in the last remaining sober part of Laura’s brain, she gets it.Gets how all those months ago Carmilla snapped.Gets how she pushed and pulled away.Because talking…Laura would rather fight a bear.

Irony.She thinks.At it’s horrible truth.  

She laughs again.

“Go home, Danny.”  
  
“Laura, please.You’re—-.”  
  
“Get out.”

She doesn’t move.

“Laura, I’m not leaving you alone like this.”

“Get out.”  

Danny still doesn’t budge.And Laura can feel her anger boiling.Rough and raw and unlike anything she’s ever felt before.Because don’t they get it?

“Get out!”

Laura marches up to Danny and pushes.She barely moves

Don’t they get how she can’t talk.Because talking would mean feeling.And feeling would mean blame.And blame would be truth.And truth would mean she wouldn’t be able to face herself.

Laura feels it then.Like a tidal wave.Strong and unyielding.And suddenly she’s crying.And it’s funny, she thinks, because she thought she’d run out of tears months ago.

“Get out!Get out!Get out!”

And she pushes and she shoves and she thinks that maybe she’s not being a very good friend.But Danny takes it.She takes her assault until Laura’s punches become weak.Until they are barely slaps.

Until she is lightly clutching at Danny’s arms because if she doesn’t she would surely fall.

Until Danny gently guides her to the couch.And pulls her close.Until all that there is is crying.

Until, finally, Laura sleeps.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

There was a long list of things in this world that Carmilla hated.

Most people found this off putting.Thinking her to be a person who disliked most and liked little.Carmilla, however, felt it to make her honest.

Why put up with what it was you didn’t like?

Simple and easy.

And the first and foremost on this long list was cleaning.

Naturally, this meant it was all she was doing lately.

Carmilla huffed, blowing out a puff of hair to get the bangs out of her eyes.She grabbed another rag and dropped back to the floor; wiping up the excess of vanilla cake batter that she’d dropped.

Another thing Carmilla hated: clumsiness.

And another trait she’d seemed to take on in the past few weeks.  

Her nights had been long and her days even longer.Sleep seeming to escape her slowly each and every day.And it was taking it’s toll on her productivity.On her sanity.  

On the fact that she couldn’t get her fucking hands under control long enough to carry tub of batter to the counter.

“Um…Carmilla?”

Sigh.And a third thing she hated.Being interrupted.

“What?” She looks up from the floor, where she’s perched on all floors to see Madison, their newest intern standing above her.

Because it wasn’t bad enough that she was reduced to wiping the floor like some servant.No.She had to have an audience too.

“Well, it’s just.Perry is home sick today.”

“I’m aware.She probably texted me before you.”Madison seems to blush and she shifts a little.“Look you’ll be fine by yourself.I’ve prepped enough for you.Just fill in the cases and you can go.”

“It’s just…”

“Yes?”Her neck is starting to hurt from looking up and it’s giving her a headache.  

“She has a tasting today.And she wanted me to tell you that she’ll need you to do it.”

And Carmilla pauses.Because she should.She should do it.If she were a decent friend and business partner she should take it.

She had seen the calendar.She would still be able to get a few hours sleep before the consultation.And it would be easy.And a load off of Perry’s plate.  

But the image of a small boy wrapped in his mother’s arms comes to mind.Bright and clear and draining.And she’d rather not take the chance to see anything similar again.

“Cancel it.”She says as she stands.

“But Perry said—.”  
  
“Perry is not here.Cancel it and reschedule.”Carmilla throws down her rag and it plops into the remaining batter mess on the floor.“And clean this up.I have to go.”

She doesn’t wait for Madison’s response because it’s not like she owes her anything and she locks herself in the office.

Because, yes, taking chance.Another thing she’d come hate.  

It was pointless really, to do so.

So why even entertain the thought?

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

_“Carm.Carm.God, Carmilla, wake up.”_

_She grunts and groans as she feels two hands pull her shoulder and turn her on the couch.Carmilla opens her eyes and immediately regrets the decision.It’s far too bright._

_“I’m napping,” she says, throwing her arm over her face to shield it._

_She can hear Laura huff.“Yes and if you don’t get up now, you’re not going to be able to actually sleep tonight.”_

_“Challenge accepted.”_

_“Would you just get up you big baby.I have something for you.”_

_And she can’t help it.Carmilla smirks.She moves her arm just enough to peek out at Laura.“Go on.”_

_Laura rolls her eyes big and over dramatic.“So predictable:”She tsks._

_Carmilla huffs.“You going to make me guess?”_

_And then Carmilla is suddenly very awake.Because Laura is producing two small boxes from behind her back.Two very small boxes with rings in them.Very silver, very new, and very real bands._

_“What’s this?”Carmilla asks and she wants to smack herself because god, she’s pretty sure it’s pretty fucking obvious._

_Laura looks a little bashful but she smiles.“We’re married now, right?Figured we might as well go all the way.”_

_“Sweetheart, we went all the way a long time ago.”_

_Carmilla is fairly certain that, had Laura not been holding the rings, she would have smacked her._

_“I just…” And Carmilla listens as Laura suddenly sounds unsure.“You did something really sweet for me.I wanted to do something sweet for you, too.”_

_Carmilla smiles.And she knows it’s stupid and goofy and she thanks the heavens that Laura chose to do this at home and not out in public._

_Because she’s smiling so much that she doesn’t really think she can talk.So she holds out her hand and wiggles her fingers._

_Laura’s face lights up and she quickly sets down one box.Picks up a ring and slides it on to Carmilla’s left finger.It’s a snug fit._

_Strange and new and she hopes it doesn’t ever get dirty._

_“May I?”_

_And Laura smiles and nods and it’s very clear she’s trying not squeal.But she hands over the second ring and Carmilla slides it onto her finger._

_“You’re stuck with me now,” Carmilla says.Laura laughs._

_And it’s loud and full and bright._

_“Such a shame, I was hoping to trade you for the newer model in a few years.”_

_Carmilla snorts.And Laura laughs again._

_And then they are tumbling towards the bedroom.Their clothes gone and forgotten.The sheets smooth and cool beneath their skin._

_Uncomfortable, Carmilla thinks.And it’s funny.Because there’s no way this can be it.Because the band on her finger is warm and sweet._

_And maybe it just takes time.Maybe sometimes it takes longer than one gives it credit._

_Because there is no way uncomfortable can last forever._

_That, Carmilla is sure of._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

It’s the slamming of the door that pulls Carmilla from the edge of sleep.

It’s the blanket being pulled from her body that tells her she won’t be getting any anytime soon.

“Get up.”

Carmilla opens her eyes to see Perry hovering above her.Her face as red as her hair.“Get up.”She says again and she pushes Carmilla’s legs off the couch.

She groans.“Seriously?I was just getting to sleep.”

“Do you care to explain to me why, when I called Madison because didn’t show up for work this morning, she told me _you_ had fired her?”

“Technically, I don’t think you can be fired if you’re an unpaid intern.”

“ _Carmilla.”_

Carmilla watches as Perry’s lips purse into a thin line and she shakes her head.And she looks like she just might explode.

“What?I get all the prep done at night.You take care of shit in the morning.We don’t need her.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make.”

“Whatever, it’s done.”And then she lays back down.

Perry pushes her feet off the couch again.“It is not done.You are going to call her back right now and apologize.”

“I don’t need to apologize for anything.What I do need is to sleep.”

“We are not done having this conversation.”

And Carmilla loves Perry she really does.She is her oldest and closest friend.But she can feel exhaustion setting in in the form of anger.  

And that never really bodes well for anyone.

“Jesus _,_ if you want her back so much, you call her.”

Carmilla sees Perry’s hands clench into tight fists.“You are unbelievable.”

“What is your problem?”

“My problem is that I am your business partner and you need to consult me when you want to fire members of our staff.”

“It was _my_ money that bought us this business in the first place.I don’t _need_ to consult you on anything.”

And it’s a low blow.Carmilla knows it the second the words are out of her mouth; faster than she can stop them.And she feels her self hate drop to a new low when Perry’s face fills with hurt and her mouth hangs open slightly.

But then it morphs.Into rage.An absolute rage that Carmilla has never seen in Perry before.One she never thought her friend could be capable of.

“That is it.”

And then she’s moving around the room, grabbing Carmilla’s scattered clothes and belongings and throwing them in her duffle bag.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”  
  
“Kicking you out.”

“You can’t kick me out.”

And Perry makes some sort of sound between a “hmmph!” and a “haa!”.“Yes, I can.You are going to take your stuff and go to my place and take the day off and shower and sleep at a normal time and then you are going to come to work with me tomorrow morning like a decent human being who isn’t afraid of dealing with her emotions and then on Sunday I am taking you apartment hunting.”

There is a small part of Carmilla that is impressed and amused at how quickly Perry rambled out such a long sentence in a single breath.  

It is beat out by the boiling anger she suddenly feels coursing through her system.

“What do you mean afraid to deal with my emotions?”

“You’re a smart woman, Carmilla.Figure it out.”Perry says, grabbing another handful of clothes and shoving them into the already overflowing bag.

“If this is your version of tough love, then you need to work on it.”

“Well clearly concern and care were getting me no where.If this is what I have to do to get you to wake up.”  

“I don’t need to wake up.”

“Carmilla, look at yourself!”Perry’s voice jumps an octave as she says it and her eyes go wide.And there’s a brief moment where Carmilla watches Perry watching her and she wonders if she looks as frazzled as Perry seems to be.“You sleep all day.Though, barely I’m sure, because that couch is awful.And you work all night.You ignore phone calls and texts.The only person you see every day is me, and that’s hardly in passing.You’ve cut yourself off.”

“Ever think maybe I enjoy the solitude?”  
  
“That’s bullshit!”And Perry’s eyes widen at the swear and Carmilla would feel proud if she wasn’t so annoyed. 

“What is it, then?Please, enlighten me.”

“Well I certainly can’t know since you won’t talk to anyone about it.”Perry shoves the duffle bag into Carmilla’s arms and she lets it fall to the ground at her feet.“Between you and Laura, it’s a wonder we all don’t have grey hairs.”

“I’m sorry my personal shortcomings seem to be such a burden to you.”  
  
“The only person either of you are burdening are yourselves because you won’t talk to anyone!”

”Ever think that maybe I don’t want to talk about her?”And fine, Carmilla thinks.Because she doesn’t want to talk.Doesn’t need to talk.But if it will get Perry to shut up for _two fucking seconds_ …“She left.We lost the baby and she walked out the door.”

It’s pathetic.And sad.And disgusting sounding.But there it is.And Carmilla swears it better be enough.

Perry seems to deflate some and her steam wanes.And she looks at Carmilla with _that look._ Sad and sympathetic.And…regretful.Like she doesn’t want to say whatever it is she’s about to. 

“Laura didn't leave you, Carmilla.You held open the door and all but pushed her out.You can’t be surprised that she finally did.”

And it’s a funny thing, Carmilla thinks.Words. Letters strung together in random sequence.Given sound.Given meaning

“Fuck you.”

The many shapes that meaning could take.How easily it can harm.How easily it can sway.How easily it can bring the light of truth. 

How horrible the truth is, when faced with it.

And suddenly her vision is blurry.And Carmilla is faintly aware of Perry’s softening features.How she takes a tender step forward.Because she can’t see.Because everything is blurry. And wet.And she’s crying.

Carmilla takes a step away as Perry advances, because.Any closer and she’s positive she won’t be able to breathe.

She’s crying.

She hadn’t in so long she had forgotten what it felt like.So raw and painful and…

She’s crying.

And Carmilla isn’t really sure she’ll ever be able to stop.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumble with me?  
> http://daisyfalls.tumblr.com/


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big, giant wonderful thank you to all of you for reading. Your reception of this fic has been absolutely wonderful; your comments have truly been amazing.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this last installment.

_“Hello?”_

_There’s no answer and Laura shifts in the doorway.The room is large and bare.Cement floors waiting for tile and walls for paint.There are boxes strewn about and a counter front thats half finished._

_The results of a half-assed contractor who liked to make things as painful as possible, she recalls LaFontaine complaining.Which…_

_“LaF?Perry?”_

_Still nothing.Laura takes a tentative step into the room.Then back, hanging in the doorway.Not quite sure what to do.Because, yes, she had been asked by LaFontaine to help them and Perry unpack and set up the beginnings of the kitchen._

_And sure, she was friends with LaFontaine and she’d met Perry quite a few times.And it seemed to Laura that a definite friendship was blossoming.But she didn’t know her_ that _well and this was her bakery.Or what would be her bakery.And she definitely wasn’t here.And she definitely didn’t strike Laura as the type to just leave her newly acquired, unfinished bakery unlocked and unattended._

_“Hello?”_

_“Who the hell are you?”_

_Laura jumps and turns at the sound of another voice._

_A woman, her hands full of boxes, stands before her._

_Glaring._

_Laura crosses her arms and returns the glare, because,_ rude _.“Who the hell are you?”_

_The woman’s brow raises and she sort of snorts.“The owner of this fine establishment.”_

_And it takes a moment for Laura’s brain to catch up because she is definitely not Perry.But she definitely has her hands full of boxes.And now that she’s getting a better look, it definitely looks like they are full of kitchen supplies and oh…_

_“Oh!You must be Perry’s business partner.”_

_“I also go by Carmilla.”_

_“I’m Laura.”_

_“LaFontaine’s friend?”_

_Laura nods.Carmilla huffs and adjusts the boxes again.“You just going to stand there all day, sweetheart, or you going to do what you came here to?”_

_The boxes shift again and “Right.Sorry.”_

_Laura takes a box from Carmilla’s outstretched hands and she sees her let out a sigh of relief.“What the hell do you have in this thing?”Laura can’t help but ask with an_ ‘oof’ _._

_Carmilla smirks and only offers her a “This way.”_

_It’s an odd job, trying to move around the tools on the floor and maneuver the box through the tight space.Because she can’t particularly see over it.And she hopes she doesn’t hurt herself._

_Or both of them._

_It would be a horrible first impression._

_“Anywhere special you want this?”Laura asks once they get into the kitchen.She’s happy to see it’s much more complete than the front and she says a silent thank you._

_She and sawdust never meshed well.Same with screwdrivers.And hammers._

_And nails._

_Carmilla shrugs and all but drops the boxes without a care; they hit the ground with a loud ‘clang’.“Perry’s the one with the organization layout.”_

_Laura nods and sets her own box down and then they fall into a silence that makes her shift uncomfortably.The result of new acquaintances._

_She had never been good with small talk._

_And she’s keenly aware that she must be shifting and rocking a little too much because Carmilla has turned to her and is looking her way with an amused, raised brow.  
_ _And Laura wonders if anyone has ever told her it’s rude to stare.    But she smiles.  And Carmilla smirks.  “So…hi.”  Laura says and because she can’t help herself, she holds out her hand._

_Her father may have been overprotective, but he didn’t raise her to be rude._

_Carmilla’s smirk widens and she takes a step closer and Laura is very aware that she is looking her up and down.“Hey,” she replies and shakes Laura’s hand._

_Their hands drop and they fall into silence again.She watches as Carmilla’s smirk morphs into a smile.And Laura fully takes her in._

_She is not at all like she expected.LaFontaine had briefly mentioned that Perry’s best friend and business partner would be joining them as well._

_Though what she had expected, she can’t say.But from the little she knew of Perry…it was definitely not this—-her.With her dark eyeliner.And boots.And leather.The cuff bracelets on her wrist._

_And yeah, okay, so LaFontaine failed to mention that Perry’s best friend is kind of hot._

_And it’s rude, she thinks, that they never introduced her before._

_“You okay there?”Carmilla is smirking again and Laura wonders if her perpetually amused look is normal or if she, herself, is the cause._

_Not that one answer would be better than the other._

_Laura feels heat rise up her neck and is faintly aware that she was probably, definitely staring._

_But, whatever, Carmilla was totally staring first._

_“Are LaFontaine and Perry going to be here soon?”_

_Carmilla snorts.“Stuck in traffic or something.Perry called nearly having a heart attack.”_

_“That bad?”_

_Carmilla laughs.“Doubt it.She just hates being late.”_

_“But it’s her—your—business.”_

_“You would think she would understand that by now, wouldn’t you?”_

_There’s a bite to the way she says it.A sort of spunk.And an eye roll.But a gentle smile is pulling at her lips and Laura thinks Carmilla wouldn’t be able to hide her clear affection for Perry if she tried._

_“You want some coffee or something while we wait for them?”_

_Laura shifts again and nods.“Coffee would be great, thanks”_

_Carmilla waves her hand, a silent_ no _problem, and moves across the room.“You can relax, you know,” she says over her shoulder.“I promise I don't bite too hard.”_

_Laura feels heat flush through her.And Carmilla is smirking at her again.And she doesn’t know where it comes from.Or why she says it.Or how the thought even entered her mind to begin with.But before she can stop herself…_

_“Maybe I was counting on it.”_

_She watches as Carmilla’s step falters and she almost drops the coffee pot.She turns to Laura a little wide eyed and surprised._

_Laura shrugs, and the heat in her neck is definitely spreading to her face._

_Carmilla laughs._

_And Laura smiles._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

It’s six fifty-five.

Laura sighs and taps her steering wheel.  

She’d turned the car off ages ago.Because somehow she had ended up here early.She always did.She’d tell herself she wouldn’t go just yet.That there was time.She could wait.Finish up work.  

The drive was short and there was never any traffic.

But she’d rush.And run.Because she didn’t want to be late.

And she’d be thirty minutes early.To sit.And wait.Thirty minutes to watch everyone walk inside.  

To watch the door close.

To drive away.

And she knew.Knew Danny would sigh and shake her head, if she knew.Because Danny had gone and found it for her.She’d done the research and sent Laura the link.Said it sounded nice

It looked nice.

She’d yet to go in.

A woman walks by her car and waves.She’d done it for the past three weeks, when she noticed Laura parked every Wednesday.She’d walk by and wave.And smile.

And it’s funny, Laura thinks, that someone should look so happy walking into a grief counseling group.

But happiness can be faked, she knows.  

It’s the easiest front to put on.

Danny had been excited when she’d found it.Something a little different.Somewhere to talk to others who would understand.Understand in a way that she, that their friends, could’t.

And maybe it would be helpful.  

Maybe it could start the process.

So Laura had gone.

Because it was sweet.And she knew Danny was worried.  

And, quite frankly, she was tired of the constant hounding.And the questions.And tired of being tired about it.

So she’d gone.The church it was in was quaint and sweet.And it reminded her of the one they’d had her mother’s funeral in. 

She’d gone and she’d sat.And watched as the group members filed in.Hugging and greeting one another.Smiles lined with heavy eyes.  

She’d gone and she’d sat.Unable to bring herself to go inside.And then the doors had closed and she’d driven away.

_How was it_?Danny had asked her the next day at work. _Nice_. _Good._  

_And you’ll go back?_

_Yeah, I think I will_.

She hadn’t meant it when she’d said it.The guilt had been easy to swallow.  

But somehow the next Wednesday had come and she had found herself driving over again.And she’d sat.And watched.And driven away.

And she’d done it again and again.And maybe it was pointless.But it kept Danny at bay.Kept her quiet.  

So she’d keep doing it.

And she gets it, she thinks.Finally.To understand why Carmilla had finally gone for her all those months ago.Not because she had wanted to.Or felt the need.  

But a way to shut people up.And maybe it wasn’t fair.  

It definitely wasn’t. But it was easy.Because less stress from them, meant less stress for her.And maybe, she thinks, she should tell Carmilla that.Tell her she understands, a little bit more now.

But it would be useless.And stupid.

And her hands are beginning to shake just thinking about it.

So she sits. 

Because it’s not that Laura thinks therapy is useless.

She knows it is.

She knows it in the way that it failed her.That it failed them.That it had finally been the straw to break Carmilla.  

To break her.  

A chance for healing.And look where it got them.

Laura sighs and looks to her clock.She watches and waits, keeping the screen lit until the numbers turn to seven. 

She looks up.Watches as the door closes.

And too late.Again.Because they didn’t let anyone in after the door closed, the website had said.In order to not disturb the group.

Laura starts her car and pulls from the parking lot.  

Too late.

Always was.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

“Carmilla?”

The silence is deafening after the question and Carmilla thinks deja vu is a shitty game. 

How it rears it’s ugly head when you least expect it.Though, expect it maybe, she should have.Because she brought it on herself.

Then and now.

She shifts on the couch.It’s more comfortable than Dr. Waters’.So at least there’s that.And the room is smaller.More intimate.And not so bright.Less neutral.

More inviting.

Or, as inviting as a shrink’s office could be.

“What?”

“Our time is almost up and you haven’t said anything.I was wondering if there was something you might want to discuss before you leave?” 

Across from her Dr. Christopher smiles and Carmilla is reminded again what a stupid last name it is.No first name should be a last name.It’s unbecoming and unsettling.  

At least Dr. Waters had the decency for that.  

But apparently Waters only saw couples.So Perry had found her Doc. Chris.  

She was twelve.Or seemed to be and Carmilla wasn’t sure how anyone that young could already be practicing.  

Carmilla shrugs and shifts.The back of her neck itches.  

She lets it.Because sometimes there’s just no use in scratching.

“Anything at all you want.I’m all ears.”

And Carmilla thinks that maybe she should.It would be a waste of a hundred and fifty not to.But she’d came.And if it was enough to get Perry off her back for a while, then it was money well spent by her book.

It wasn’t that she was being forced to come.  

But Perry had become unrelenting.It was a nonstop assault of her apparent “personal well being”.

It would be sweet, if it wasn’t so annoying.

Because apparently she can’t take care of herself anymore.Because apparently simply surviving is no way to live.

Dying, she would argue, is no way to live.

But she knew Perry would tell her she’s too morbid.

Dr. Christopher smiles at her and Carmilla sighs.

“I had tilapia for dinner last night.”

“And how was it?”

She’s placating her.She knows it.And she knows she knows it.

But whatever.

The woman still gets one fifty, so why should it matter.

_And how was it_.  

Delicious.Or it would have been.

Should have been.

Carmilla had marinated the fish all day.Finding the recipe in a book that Laura had once given her for her birthday.Except, she had forgotten that part until she’d sat down to eat it.And the rest of her plate was filled.And she’d poured herself a giant glass of whiskey.

And then she’d frozen.Staring at the plate.Because it smelled familiar.And she remembered the first time she made it.Laura had told her it tasted like sex.  

They’d gotten half way through the meal before they had done just that.

So she had stared at the plate.And by the time she got around to eating it.She’d gotten full on whiskey and the fish was cold.  

Carmilla sighs and stretches.Because if she has ten minutes left, she’s at least going to be comfortable.

“Disgusting.”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

_She is not nervous._

_She’s not._

_And yeah, so maybe she cleaned.Which she never does.But she’s an adult.And adults clean.Because she’s not about to start living in a pig stye._

_But she didn’t clean because she was nervous._

_And she didn’t spend nearly thirty minutes trying to decide what to wear like some tween girl with a crush._

_And she definitely didn’t get ready too early.She’s just didn’t have anything better to do.So she got ready.Because why sit around and wait in a towel?_

_And she’s not currently pacing._

_She’s not._

_Because she’s not fucking nervous._

_“Fuck.”_

_Carmilla slumps into her couch and lets her head fall back against the cushions.She looks to her left, to the clock hanging on her wall._

_Six - fifty._

_Laura would be here in ten._

_Ten minutes.She could handle ten minutes._

_Carmilla looks down, examines her fingernails, the perfect distraction.Except, there’s a chip on the pinky on her right hand and she’s got half the mind to take all of it off and paint them again but it would probably take longer than ten minutes.And Laura would be here by then and it wasn’t exactly the best impression to make._

_She groans and lets her head fall forward._

_It was disgusting, really.She was being disgusting._

_Her_ slight _infatuation with Laura had started a few months prior, shortly after they’d met.And really, Carmilla couldn’t blame herself.The woman was sweet.Kind.Dorky.Ferocious.Dedicated.Cute._

_Sexy as hell._

_And the fact that she didn’t realize how sexy she really was made her even more attractive._

_So really, if there was any blame to place, it was on Laura._

_And here Carmilla was, acting like a school girl with a crush._

_Disgusting._

_She’d thought she’d be over it by now.But the more she knew Laura, the more she felt her affection grow._

_And she’d kept it to herself, because she didn’t need anyone knowing her business.But then Laura had called two nights ago with a “Hey, do you want to join me for an art walk on campus this Friday night?”A friend of hers was showing some pieces.And a—“ And, you know, maybe we could get dinner before or after.Or sometime.”_

_And she’d said yes.And they’d hung up.And it sort of sounded like a date.But Carmilla was a flirt.And Laura was affectionate with everyone.And she really didn’t need to get her fucking hopes up._

_So she’d cleaned.And gotten ready early._

_And she definitely wasn’t nervous._

_There’s a knock on her door and Carmilla takes a deep breath._

_She stands.Two strides and she opens it before she can think of anything else._

_Laura’s on the other side, her right leg bouncing.Looking around as she bites the nail of a thumb.A small bouquet of violets in hand._

_“Hey,” Carmilla says and Laura’s head snaps to her.Her eyes go wide and it seems like she maybe hadn’t been expecting Carmilla to answer._

_“Hey!”Her voice squeaks.“Hi.Uh—these are for you.”_

_And she pretty much shoves the flowers in Carmilla’s face.“Violets?”_

_Laura’s nodding.“It’s archaic.And totally cliched.But kind of traditional and…” Laura trails and Carmilla thinks she must realize she’s rambling.“I just thought you might like them.”_

_“I do.Do you want to come in while I put them in water?”It is traditional and cliched and it’s cute.And really, it’s not helping the situation._

_Because flowers don’t mean anything.Laura is just nice.Overly so.It’s probably gotten her into some trouble once or twice._

_Laura hovers in the doorway while Carmilla does just that.“You look really great, by the way.”Laura says and she’s blushing._

_Seriously not helping._

_Carmilla feels her stomach do a disgusting little flip but she manages a smirk.“You sure know how to make a girl feel special.”_

_Laura smiles.“Well, I am an excellent date.”_

_She does a double take.Because there’s no way she heard that right.But when she looks at Laura, she has this shy sort of smile._

_And oh…_

_Fuck._

_So yeah, okay, maybe she’s nervous, or whatever._

_And she knows she’s smiling.She’s definitely smiling._

_Disgusting._

_Really disgusting.But Laura still looks shy and her smile has turned sort of goofy._

_She sets the violets in some water and moves back towards Laura.“An excellent date, huh?”_

_A nod and Laura bites her lip._

_“I suppose I’ll be the judge of that.”  
She watches Laura roll her eyes.“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”_

_Carmilla shrugs and locks the door behind them.“Best start wooing me then.”_

_“Keep that up and I think I’ll just take myself on a date.”Is Laura’s reply.But she’s smiling._

_Before Carmilla can manage any sort of response, Laura is grabbing her hand and entwining their fingers._

_And no.Definitely not helping.And yeah, so she’s nervous.Not the first time.And Laura is laughing at some stupid joke she just made.And she’s cute.And sweet.  
_ _So whatever.  It’s totally normal._

_And really just not her fault.Because there’s something about Laura._

_So really, Carmilla thinks, her nerves can go fuck themselves._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

“It’s disrespectful.”

Is what Carmilla says once Danny and Kirsch are far enough away.She watches as they cross the parking lot and get into their car.

They drive by on their way to the road and they all wave.

Next to her, Perry sighs.“What is?”

Carmilla digs into her purse pulling out her cigarettes. LaFontaine clears their throat and glares.And right.

Her hands shake as she throws them back in her purse.She’d like one.She’d really like one because she’d been on edge all night.Happy.Sort of.For the most part.But on edge.And she’d really just like a smoke. 

But she’s not about to fuck up Perry’s unborn kid.

Not yet, anyway.

“She should have been here.”

LaFontaine looks at her like she’s grown two heads and Perry shakes her head.Rolls her eyes.  

It’s unbecoming.

And maybe they didn’t expect her to say it. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

“Seriously?”

Carmilla shrugs.“You wanted to have a dinner to tell your closest friends that you were pregnant.And she bailed last minute.It’s rude.”

And she can’t help it.Her throat sort of closes around the words.And they feel forced and hard.And she’s happy for her friends.She really is.Because happiness should find someone.And she doesn’t know anyone better than LaF and Perry.

But it hurts in a way she can’t quite describe or explain.And she’s thankful Perry had told her before dinner.Had given her a moment to process.And then invited her out anyway.  

_You need to not hole up in your apartment all the time_. _You need to start going out._

She’d had half the mind to tell her that dinner with friends you’ve known for eight years doesn’t necessarily constitute “going out”.

“Laura didn’t know what the point of the dinner was, I’m sure she wouldn’t have cancelled if she did,” Perry says.“She offered to take me to dinner tomorrow.I’ll tell her then, it’s fine.”

“She could have at least called you earlier, not when we had already been seated with an empty chair.”

The annoying, stupid fucking empty chair.That had glared at her and mocked her through their entire meal and dessert. 

“Don’t sit there and pretend like it would have been a fun evening with the both of you there anyway,” Perry bites and Carmilla thinks if the hormones are already bringing this out of her, they are all in for hell the next six months.  

“You should be thanking her,” LaF pipes up.

“What?”

“Perr’s right.It would have been awful with the two of you.”It’s true, but they seem to be missing the point.“And she clearly knows there’s no way you’d back out of the dinner since Perry planned it.So she backed out instead.”

“Don’t make her a martyr.”

“We’re just saying…”

“Yeah, well our shit shouldn’t fuck up your good news.”

“And it didn’t.”

Carmilla glares.And wonders when she became the only one who didn’t pretend like things were okay when they weren’t.

“So you’re saying the next time we all get together, if you’re both invited, you’ll be able to handle being in the same room together?”LaFontaine is smug when they ask it.With this knowing look like they know exactly what the answer is.

“We’re adults.”

“God, Carmilla you can’t even say her name,”Perry snaps and Carmilla is glaring again.

She’s lucky she’s her best friend.  

“You know,” Perry starts again and Carmilla can already tell what whatever it is she’s about to say, she’s going to hate it.“If you wanted to see her, you could actually call her.”

She’s laughs.  

And Carmilla is very aware that it’s too bright and too loud.But apparently pregnancy has made Perry a comedienne.

“I don’t want to see her.”

LaFontaine snorts.Perry sighs.

“What?”  
“It’s been a year, Carmilla.”

“Suppose I should call her with a happy anniversary, right?”

“We should get going,” LaF says and they all know they’re changing the subject. 

The conversation was tiring anyway.

“It’s getting cold.”

Annoying, if not convenient.

“You want a ride home?”

Carmilla shakes her head and scuffs her boot against the cement.“I’ll walk.”

And she sees them both sort of look at her.The same way they all have been, for the past year apparently.And if it wasn’t tiresome six months ago, she couldn’t even describe what it was now.  

“Christ, you guys, stop looking at me like I’m going to break.I just want a smoke.”

“If you’re sure,” LaFontaine says and Perry is looking at her like she doesn’t quite believe her.

“I walked here, didn’t I?”

It appeases them enough, because LaFontaine pats her shoulder and then Perry is giving her a hug.

“You really should quit, you know,” Perry whispers into her and places a kiss on her cheek.

Carmilla bats her away.“Yes, mom.”

“Be safe.”

“You too.”

Carmilla waits until the two get into their car and drive away, before she turns down the walk and starts her trek to her apartment.

It’s that annoying time of year where the days are hot and the evenings are cold and she had forgotten a jacket when she came.So she’s kind of freezing.Which is annoying.And maybe she should have gotten a ride.Though,

Thankfully, it doesn’t take long for a light and a smoke to warm her.  

And yet, the hair on her arms sort of pricks at her skin and there’s a chill she can’t quite shake.

When she gets to her apartment, she throws her purse to the side; tripping around unpacked boxes.And she pretends that she didn’t smoke her entire pack of cigarettes on the walk back.

Because she should quit.  

Maybe.

But she doesn't want to.  

And that always seemed to be the problem.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

Laura really didn’t know what she had been thinking.

She really didn’t.

But she had promised Perry dinner.And apparently LaF’s car didn’t start that morning, so they had taken Perry’s.And Perry would be able to meet her at the restaurant, but she would be about thirty minutes late.

“Don’t worry,” Laura had said before she could even think about the words.“I can swing by and pick you up.”

It had been easy.Natural.An offer by a friend to another.Because it wasn’t a big deal.  

But she hadn’t known what she had been thinking.

Because apparently she hadn’t been thinking at all.

Laura shifts in her seat, looking across the passenger’s side and out the window.  

The bakery lights are dim.The “open” sign off.Through the window front she can see the door to the kitchen; slightly ajar.

And she doesn’t know what to do.Because she hadn’t been thinking.

The door would be locked.And once upon a time, she’d have just walked to the back.To use her key and let herself in.  

She still had it.Though nothing about the business was hers.But Carmilla had given her one once they had been together for a few months.Something about trust.And her wanting Laura to know that she could come and go as she pleased.

So she still had it.Because no one had asked for it back.She wondered if they even remembered she had it.

Must not, she thinks, or certainly there would have been a demand for it back.

It would be easy, to use it again.To slip to the alley and unlock the back and call for Perry’s name.Because once upon a time she wouldn’t have thought twice.

But once upon a time is for fairytales, she knew.And reality was always much more complicated.

Laura sighs and digs through her purse; unlocks her phone as she pulls it out.She’s about to call Perry.Let me know she’s outside.When she freezes.

Because the door to the kitchen is swinging open wider.

And Carmilla is walking to the front.

And Laura freezes.

And her breath hitches.And there’s a slight panic bubbling in her stomach.  

So she watches.  

Apparently, it’s the only thing she’s able to do.

Carmilla’s hair is in a bun high on her head.And she’s got her chef’s coat unbuttoned.She carries plastic bags and Laura watches as she begins to load them with the day’s pastries.

A donation, Laura knew, Carmilla would be taking to a homeless shelter on her way home from work.

Wherever that may be.

Her head is bobbing slightly.And Laura think there must be music playing in the kitchen.Loud and obnoxious.And no doubt driving Perry crazy.

But there’s a stiffness to Carmilla’s movements.The way her head bounces.Short and staccato.And her arms move in a way that seems like she’s trying not to take up space.And Laura wonders when it was that Carmilla became so small.

She’s surprised, she thinks.Though surprised by Carmilla or surprised that she’s not really surprised…she can’t say.

And Laura thinks she must be staring.But it’s not really her fault.So she blinks.To try and shake away what it is she can’t quite explain.And when her eyes open, they are locked with Carmilla’s.

Heat floods through her.Embarrassed.Panicked.Unwanted.  

Familiar.

And she can only watch as realization dawn’s on Carmilla.At the recognition.As the same panic washes over her.

She stumbles backwards and turns on her heel.Marches towards the kitchen, her arms stiff at her sides.Her head jutted out and her jaw clenched.

She disappears faster than Laura can blink again.And when she does, Perry is scurrying towards her.Frantically waving as she unlocks the door.  

Laura barely has time to calm her breathing, because apparently she’s close to hyperventilating.  

“Laura!Thank you so much, I —-are you okay?”Perry’s brow is pulled close as she dips her head into the car.

“Yeah,” Laura says, “Fine.”And even she can hear that she’s not.

Because she hasn’t been.But that’s not surprising.  

And nothing and everything surprises her now.

She grabs her purse, tosses it behind her. 

Perry looks displeased when the contents of it spill across the back seat.But she doesn’t say anything as she buckles up.

“Ready?”

Before Perry can say whether she is or not, Laura’s got the car on and in drive.  

She checks her mirror, pulls into traffic.  

And pretends she can’t see Carmilla watching them leave, reflected through the glass.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

_Laura thinks it’s funny._

_The way life works sometimes._

_The way people move.The way circles grow.An expansion upon expansion; organic and malleable._

_Surprising._

_You make a friend.And she introduces you to her boyfriend.Who introduces you to another friend.Who introduces you to their girlfriend.And before you know it, you are introduced to —-._

_Carmilla’s foot brushes against hers under the coffee table and Laura almost jumps._

_Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Carmilla smirk.Her eyes trained forward.As if they currently aren’t playing footsie.Or attempting to play footsie, because there are more important matters at hand._

_Any other moment at any other time, Laura might move.Turn to her and scowl.But she can’t.She’s focused.And if Carmilla messes this up for her…_

_“Kirsch, I swear to God if you let Laura pass me.”_

_“I am doing the best I can, but—.”_

_“There are no butts.”_

_“Babe, I keep getting bananas.”_

_The final lap.Laura can feel it racing through her veins like on the screen.Her Princess Peach in second place to Danny’s Yoshi._

_Her heart hammering in her chest.Her palms beginning to sweat._

_And Carmilla wouldn’t leave her freaking foot alone._

_“HA!”Kirsch all but jumps and Laura can see the shell icon in the corner of his section of screen._

_“Better watch your tush, sweetcheeks,” Carmilla drawls next to her.As Kirsch lets out an enthused “Eat shit, Laura!”_

_The shell goes flying from his Mario and before Laura can react, she sees it enter her screen._

_And zoom right past her car._

_Laura smiles as the shell continues forward._

_And they all watch as Yoshi flies into the air and Laura is able to cross the finish line in first._

_“Fuck.”_

_“_ Kirsch,” _Danny growls as her knuckles go white around the controller.“I swear…”_

_Carmilla cackles and Laura smirks.She grabs her beer off the table and finishes it, smiling at Danny around the bottle who scowls back at her._

_“Is there a reason we didn’t want Laura to win?”LaFontaine asks, lifting their head from Perry’s lap._

_“Laura promised to tell us who her new girlfriend is if I beat her.”_

_“I agreed to no such thing.”_

_Under the table, Carmilla’s foot knocks against hers again._

_“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone, Laura,” Perry says, taking an offered controller from LaFontaine and selecting the next race track._

_Laura swears she hears Carmilla give a barely audible snort._

_“She won’t tell us who it is, no matter how many times we ask.”_

_“Makes me think she’s embarrassed.”_

_“Not embarrassed, just new,” Laura corrects, sitting up and Carmilla’s assault on her foot comes to an end.“And I don’t need you all bombarding me about it just yet.”_

_Kirsch wiggles his eyebrows.“Apparently she’s the best sex Laura’s ever had.”_

_The heat rising up her neck is immediate and Laura is pretty positive she’s frozen.Danny snorts.LaFontaine laughs.Perry shakes her head but she’s trying not to smile._

_And Carmilla…_

_Laura watches as she slowly turns to her, an amused smirk on her face unlike any Laura has seen._

_“Really?” LaFontaine asks, sitting up more and fully turning towards her._

_Laura shrugs and looks down at her hands.Because they are all staring.And Carmilla’s smirk is somehow widening.And she’s pretty positive if she tried to talk it would be nothing more than incoherent jumbled squeaks._

_But first she’d like to wipe the smug look right off Carmilla’s face.Right after she kills Danny._

_“So she says.”_

_“Why not tell us who it is,” Carmilla finally says.“You’d think you’d want the world to know about such a sex goddess.”_

_Laura’s head snaps up and she glares.“I didn’t say_ that _.”_

_Carmilla laughs.“Come on, Laura.Your friends should know these things.We need to make sure she’s good enough for you.”_

_“Exactly,” Danny says and Laura is pretty positive that, had they all been five, she would have stuck her tongue out._

_“Leave Laura alone,” Perry pipes in again.“She will tell us when she’s ready to tell us.Now, who’s playing?” And Laura sends an appreciative smile her way._

_“I’m getting more beer,” Laura stands, tossing her controller into Carmilla’s lap.“Anyone want one?”  
Five hands go into the air and she disappears into the kitchen before anymore can be said._

_The cool air of the refrigerator is refreshing and Laura stands for a moment, allowing the it to bring her body temperature back down.Carmilla’s amused smirk engrained in her mind._

_It wasn’t that Laura_ wanted _to keep her relationship with Carmilla a secret.There was no shame.No embarrassment.But they had both agreed that it would be best to keep things quiet for now.Allowing them to explore what ever it was that was happening between them by themselves._

_Allowing it to grow and change._

_Organically._

_And without interference from outside sources._

_Not that they didn’t trust their friends.But, well…_

_“The best sex you’ve ever had, hm?”  
Laura hits her head on the freezer as she jumps and Carmilla laughs._

_“Are you okay?”She asks, walking close and wrapping an arm around Laura’s waist.She brings her other up to Laura’s head and gently smooths the hair where she hit it._

_“Fine,” Laura says, batting her hand away as tries to wiggle out of her grasp._

_Carmilla rolls her eyes and brings both hands around her waist; pulling her close._

_“Don’t give me that smug look.”  
Laura watches as Carmilla mock gasps.“What ever do you mean?”_

_And though she’s trying to pout.Because, really, Carmilla is being an ass, Laura can’t help the small smile that pulls at her lips.“You’re a jerk.”_

_Carmilla shrugs and tries to act innocent._

_It’s a front she has yet to master.“I don’t think…”She wiggles her brow and uses her hips to push Laura against the counter.“You’d say I was the best you’ve ever had if I were a jerk.”_

_“Maybe I didn’t mean it.”_

_And she shouldn’t have said it._

_She knows she shouldn’t have said it._

_The second the words are out of her mouth.She knows._

_Because Carmilla’s eyes darken.And her lips sort of pull and her head tilts to the side.And Laura can do nothing but allow herself to be pushed even closer to the counter; their bodies flush against one another._

_She feels Carmilla’s lips ghost across the skin of her neck.Warm breath.Carmilla’s nose brushes against her ear and then she’s placing a kiss on the underside of Laura’s jaw._

_“Did you?”  
Laura thinks the groan that escapes her lips is answer enough._

_She feels Carmilla smirk against her neck.And then Carmilla’s hand is pulling at the hem of her shirt.Sliding up and ghosting across her stomach.Before it settles on her hip, Carmilla’s fingers dancing and dipping below her jeans._

_Carmilla nips at her ear and: “You’re the best I’ve ever had, too.”_

_Laura reacts before she can think.Primal and guttural, a reaction that she’d never before experienced with previous relationships and flings.Tangling her fingers in Carmilla’s hair, she pulls until they’re kissing._

_She smirks when Carmilla moans into the kiss and pushes forward again.And Laura is pretty positive they are about to have sex in Perry’s kitchen, because there is suddenly a thigh between her legs and—oh God—and—._

_“Oh God.”_

_They pull apart so quickly, and Carmilla turns her head before Laura can react, that she ends up with a face full of Carmilla’s hair._

_Kirsch is standing in the kitchen doorway.Eyes wide and as red as Laura thinks she may be becoming._

_And she had just finished cooling down…_

_“I was just…the beer.You hadn’t,” he stammers and shakes his head and she's thankful he has the decency to look anywhere else but at them.“I guess that solves that then, huh?”_

_Carmilla snorts.“You just going to stand there, beefcake, or you going to share the news with everyone?”_

_Kirsch’s eyes go wide and he sort of nods and trips on himself as he runs back to the living room._

_And Laura can’t help it._

_She laughs.She lets her head fall to Carmilla’s shoulder and laughs.Because_ of course _, of course._

_“So much for keeping it a secret.”_

_Carmilla snorts and her embrace loosens.Becomes gentle and tender and she places a kiss on Laura’s cheek._

_“WHAT?!?” Danny and LaFontaine’s voices carry from the other room._

_And it’s funny, Laura thinks, the way life works sometimes._

_Unexpected.Organic._

_“Shall we?”Carmilla asks, holding out her hand._

_Laura lets their fingers entwine.And they grab the beers before joining their friends._

_Surprising._

_But Laura can’t really say that she minds._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

“What do you mean she RSVP’d no?”

Kirsch’s eyes are wide and Danny’s looking at her like she’s grown three heads.And Laura can’t really blame them.

Even she’s surprised at the amount of bite behind her words.

Next to her, Annabelle grabs her peas and mashes them into a pulp.

They’d arrived at her apartment an hour ago.A new ritual she found herself a part of.Dinner with the Lawrence-Kirsch clan every Thursday night. 

Laura knew it was because they wanted to check up on her.  

And while that was tiring, the time spent wasn’t.Even she could admit she had been beginning to miss their company.

Her fault.And only hers, she knew.  

Didn’t make it any less true.

“She just,” Kirsch looks to Danny.As if he doesn’t know how to answer.“Said she’s busy.”

“That’s.”Laura places her hands over Annabelle’s ears.“That’s bullshit.”

“And how would you know that?”Kirsch asks.“Keeping tabs on her?”There’s a playfulness to the way he says it.Underlined with something accusatory that Laura doesn’t quite like.

“For all you know she’s already got plans that day.”

“She should show up to her niece’s birthday.”

“Technically,” Danny says.“Annabelle isn’t her niece.”

“That’s insulting.”

“Bro, you want to see her, just freaking call her.”

And it’s surprising, really, how tired and annoyed Kirsch sounds.And it’s rude, Laura thinks, that he thinks he has any right to be.

“I don’t want to see her.”

“Then why is it a big deal whether she comes or not?”

“Annabelle loves her.She’s your friend.She should be there.”And even though she pretends it doesn’t, the ‘your’ sits funny in her mouth.

Danny and Kirsch are staring at her.And she really doesn’t get why they aren’t annoyed with it.With her.  

“Our baggage shouldn’t keep her from coming.”

“Just like it didn’t keep you from coming to dinner a couple of weeks ago?”

Laura scowls.  

And it’s childish and silly, she thinks, but whose side are they on?There are no sides, she knows.And it’s delicate and sticky.She’s lived it long enough to know that.But really.She’d like to know.Because Danny’s constant pestering the past few months surely meant that she was in Laura’s corner.

Childish.Really.  

But…

“That is completely different.”  
Kirsch snorts and Danny rolls her eyes.  

“I had papers to grade.”

“That,” Danny says, picking up Annabelle’s cup that she just pushed to the floor.“Is a lie.”

Laura opens her mouth to respond.To tell her it wasn’t.Because she had graded papers.That she needed to.What difference did it make that she was getting it done a week early?

Annabelle’s cup goes flying to the ground again.She claps and laughs.  

“Had I known that Perry had something special planned for the night, I wouldn’t have cancelled.”

And it was true.

She had felt awful when she’d taken Perry out the night after.But she hadn’t known.She hadn’t.  

So she really couldn’t be blamed.

Kirsch points at her with his fork.“And Carmilla said she’d stop by with a gift a few days before.”

“It’s your daughter’s second birthday.”

“She’s going to have a million.So chill out about it.”

And then Danny and Kirsch share a look and turn back to their plates and the conversation sort of drops.And Laura wonders when it was that she entered the twilight zone.

“You should call her,” Kirsch whispers later, when he and Danny are saying goodbye.His bear hug lifting Laura off the ground.

“Kirsch…”

“It’s been a year.”

_I don’t need reminding_ , she wants to snap. 

Because he’s looking at her with wide, honest eyes.Like picking up the phone would be the easiest thing in the world.

Like hitting number one on her speed dial is still something that’s she’s allowed to do.

“Drive safe,” is what she says instead and then closes the door once they are safely in their car.

Laura gets ready for bed then.It’s only eight.But she’s tired.So she brushes her teeth and changes into her pajamas.And grabs her book and settles into the right side of her bed.

Because, even after a year, she hadn’t been able to change the habit. 

The middle felt too big.  

Too empty.

And when she plugs in her phone to charge, her thumb hovers.

Close, over the first button on her speed dial.  

And it would be easy.Maybe.To just let it fall.To let it slip and hit the call button.To let it ring.  

To answer.  

But it wasn’t.Couldn’t be.  

So she sighs and sets the phone on her nightstand.

Because it wasn’t easy.

And that was always the problem.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

The present is heavy in her hands.

Which is stupid, Carmilla thinks, since it’s a box with a stuffed animal in it.She should be able to pick it up and toss it around with one hand.  

But in the short walk from her car to the front door, the thing seemed to gain twenty pounds.And now, as she stands, one fist raised to knock, Carmilla is pretty sure she was about to drop it.

She hadn’t meant to show up.

Not really.  

Because she had said she wasn’t coming.But Perry had left an hour ago.And the bakery was slow.And she’d been bored out of her mind.  

So before she could even really think about what she was doing, she had hopped in her car and stopped by Target.  

She hadn’t gotten around to getting a gift yet, even though she had promised to show up a few days before the party to drop one off.She had forgotten, really, but it wasn’t like she hadn’t planned to do it eventually.

Time sort of slipped and things sort of happened.  

But what else was knew.

And now her hand was frozen, halfway in a knock, and she’s pretty sure the gift in her hand weighs a fucking ton.  

The sound of children screaming can be heard inside.It’s terrifying to think how quickly they begin to pop up in your life once one friend has one.

She knocks before she loses the nerve.

The door opens before her hand completely drops and she’s met with LaF’s smiling face.

“You made it!” They say and she can tell they’re surprised.

“Change of plans.”

“Kirsch will be happy to see you.”

“At least that’s one.”

“You’re at a kids birthday party, you’re not allowed to be so sour.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Perry.”Carmilla watches as LaFontaine narrows their eyes at her.“I’ve been told the sour is part of my charm.”

“Everyone’s charm wares off after a while.”Is what she thinks LaF says.But Carmilla can’t really be sure.

Because suddenly there’s laughter.

Loud.And familiar.And not at all like she remembers it.

It’s heavy.And forced.A timber lower than it used to be.Unnatural.As Laura walks into the room with Kirsch, carrying a tiara wearing Annabelle.

Carmilla’s body reacts faster than her mind and she’s got half a foot turned back towards the door; LaF’s hand already on her shoulder trying to stop her, when:

“‘Milla!”

Annabelle yells above the chaos and Kirsch and Laura are turning her way before she can disappear.

She turns towards an approaching Kirsch.Because it’s easy to focus on his large, goofy form.But not before she catches sight of Laura’s breath sort of hitching and her eyes going wide.

“Hey, we didn’t think you were coming!”His excitement is palpable.

“I can’t stay,” Carmilla responds, before she loses the nerve.“I just wanted to drop this off.”

Kirsch loses some of his steam and frowns.“You sure?”  

Carmilla nods and awkwardly trades the present for Annabelle because she’s wiggling in Kirsch hands.

“Hi Munchkin,” Carmilla says and bounces.Annabelle laughs.She didn't really know why the girl liked her so much.Because it wasn’t like she saw her often.But when she did…

_It’s your perpetual frown_ , Kirsch had once said, _she thinks it’s funny_.

“Anna will love it if you say,” Kirsch is speaking again. 

“She’s two.”And as if to prove a point, Annabelle begins to wiggle in her arms, pointing towards a cousin, Carmilla thinks, who is running around with a ball.They all watch her waddle off.“It’s not like she’s going to remember.”

And then she slips away.Before Kirsch can complain and LaF can get Perry to convince her otherwise.

And she’s faintly aware that she’s running.Or almost running.Because she’s walking faster than she usually allows.  

But she doesn’t slow.Not until she’s down the walkway.Not until she’s in her car.  

Not until she’s far enough away to no longer feel the burn of Laura’s gaze.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

_Carmilla thinks it’s funny._

_The way life sort of works sometimes._

_One minute you are minding your own business.And then the next a girl walks into your life.And you’re smitten.And happy.And you blink…_

_And the next minute you’re walking into your girlfriend’s apartment practically screaming at one another._

_A slight, exaggeration._

_But whatever, she’s kind of pissed._

_“I don’t get what your problem is.” Carmilla says and the door slams behind her._

_She watches as Laura attempts to shake off her jacket but her arm gets caught and she ends up doing this sort of dance._

_She can’t help the laugh that escapes her and Laura glares just as she gets the jacket off._

_“My_ problem _is that tonight was a complete disaster.”_

_“I told you it would be.”_

_“Exactly!”Laura’s pacing now and Carmilla crosses her arms, leaning in to the door.“You went into tonight thinking it would be a disaster and it was.”_

_“I went into tonight with realistic expectations.What exactly did you think would happen when my mother met your dad?Hm?It was bound to be a disaster and it was.”_

_“But you didn’t exactly try to make it better.”_

_“How would I have made it better?”_

_“You could have tried or something.”_

_Tried or something….What did that even mean.Carmilla sighs.Pinches the bridge of her nose.“I tried to keep the night from happening.It’s not my fault you decided it would still be a great idea.”_

_“Don’t you blame me.”_

_“You’re blaming me!”  
“Well sor-ry for not wanting to go through our relationship without having our families meet.”_

_“Plenty of people do.”_

_“Yeah and they end up not together.So sue me for wanting to try.”_

_“Fine,” Carmilla seethes.And maybe it comes out with a little bit more sting than she means.But she’s tired.And dinner with her mother always gives her a headache, clan Hollis present or not._

_And she really didn’t know how they got into this mess in the first place._

_“I’m sorry.Is that what you want?I’m sorry tonight was so shitty.And that you wanted to make it work and that you are disappointed.”_

_“Saying you’re sorry for how I feel is not an apology.”_

_“_ Well sor-ry _for thinking I have nothing to apologize for.You’re the one who is worked up.”_

_Laura’s eyes go wide and her nose seems to sort of flare.“Were you not present at dinner at all?”_

_“I enjoyed my very expensive meal, that my mother paid for by the way.”_

_“Right, leave it to the heiress to bring money into the equation.”_

_And Carmilla bites her tongue._

_She actually bites it.Because she can feel it.A retort full of spite and sting.Dancing and poking.Because she’s suddenly turned hot.And her fists are bunching with something along the lines of:_

At least I was raised with manners and respect.

_Or something else she won’t ever mean.Because she doesn’t.And she knows Laura didn’t mean it.Knows Laura knows she’s worked to remove herself from it as much as she could._

_And it’s funny, the way things turn out sometimes._

_Because Laura is upset.Because she’s optimistic.And she, the poor, annoying thing, had kept her hopes alive that the night might have been anything other than what it could actually be._

_A train wreck._

_And she’d had her heart broken, or whatever._

_But that wasn’t her fucking fault._

_Carmilla let’s out a deep breath.“Can we please just go to bed and talk about this in the morning when we’re both sane.”_

_Luckily, it seems to be an answer Laura can agree with.“Fine.Enjoy the couch.”_

_Wait…_

_“What?”_

_“Enjoy the couch.”And Laura has this smug little look on her face._

_“You are unbelievable.”Carmilla grabs her purse from where she threw it on the ground and heads back towards the door._

_“Where you are going?”_  
  
“Home.” 

_Laura scoffs.“Oh sure, run home when things get just a little bit tough.”_

_Carmilla turns to face her so fast she gives herself a headache._

_Not that it wasn’t already there._

_“I am not going to sleep on your shitty ass couch because you are acting like a child when I have a perfectly comfortable bed at home.”_

_“My couch is not shitty.”_

_“It’s so squishy, it tries to swallow anyone who sits on it.”_

_“Don’t insult my couch because you’re mad at me.”_

_“Don’t be mad at me because your precious little expectations got busted.”She opens the door and throws over her shoulder:“Feel free to call me when you’re done acting like a child.”_

_“Feel free to do the same.”_

_“Fine.”_

_“Fine!”_

_And then Carmilla slams the door behind her._

_She manages to get to the stairwell of the apartment complex before she has to stop.Because she’s shaking.And she can’t really think straight.And she has to rest against the wall and take a few breaths._

_And it’s funny the way life works sometimes._

_One minute you are perfectly happy, enjoying a new relationship.And the next you are fighting like there’s no tomorrow._

_It is to be expected, she thinks._

_Doesn’t mean, though, that it hurts any less._

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

“Drowning.”

Carmilla doesn’t know why she says it.

But it’s six-forty-five.And Dr. Christopher had been staring at her for forty-five minutes.Not staring, though.Not really.Just waiting.  

But it made her feel like she was on display.Or whatever.

And she hadn’t planned on saying anything.Because that wasn’t the point of why she was here.

It wasn’t.

But it’s six-forty-five and she’s talking.  

Carmilla thinks it must have something to do with the way Doc. Chris. is dressed.Because she finally looks her age and not like some twelve-year-old who’s playing pretend.And it’s weird and not at all part of the norm.

Which, she could argue, was beginning to feel like a pattern.

In the way that it had since the party.Not that she would admit it.But it was true.And difficult to grasp.

But the world seemed slightly off kilter.Like she was walking and moving at a slant.  

Like everything was far too bright and sounds were far too mute.  

And she comes in here every week to sit.To shut Perry up.And it’s been working.But Doc. Chris. is wearing a fucking blazer.And suddenly Carmilla’s talking.

“Drowning.”

She can tell Dr. Christopher is trying not to smile.  

And whatever, she’s talking. It’s not a big deal.

“What about drowning?”

Carmilla sighs and sinks further into the couch.Letting her head rest into the top of it as she stares at the ceiling.

“When shit happens.That’s what it feels like.”

“Can you elaborate any?”

Carmilla looks down her nose at the doctor.It’s a ploy, she thinks, to get her to talk more.  

“It’s like things are fine.Okay.Maybe, not great.But fine.But then one bad thing happens.And this space sort of opens and it starts this reaction.And one shitty thing leads to another.And then another and then another.  

“And then you’re falling.And the space is wide.You can’t grab onto anything.And you’re just pulled down.Like a weight.Impossible to escape.And you can’t help but let it take you.”

She shrugs.“Like drowning.”

Dr. Christopher is looking at her.“Maybe it’s more about a test of wills.To make you stronger.”

Carmilla snorts.“The glass half full crap is such bullshit.Positive thinking doesn’t make a damn difference.”

“It could be a place to start, though.”

She’s really beginning to think the doctor doesn’t know what she’s talking about because she’s twelve, or whatever, but the clock hits seven so she stands and stretches.

“Same time next week?”

Dr. Christopher smiles.“Same time next week.”

Carmilla throws a “Have a good night” over her shoulder as she leaves and pretends she misses the way Dr. Christopher looks surprised.

Because it’s the first time she’s said such a sentiment.

And whatever…

It’s not like it’s a big deal. 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

“It’s like…”

She pauses. Because now that she’s talking, she doesn’t quite know what to say.She hadn’t really thought about it.Not before she had held her hand up slightly.Not before she had started with a, “I’ld like to add something, if that’s okay.”

She hadn’t thought.

But that seemed to be the theme of the evening.

Wednesday.Same as before.And the same as before that.

When Laura arrived she sat and she waited.But when the clock had struck six-fifty-eight, she found herself opening her car door.  

She was inside the small hall and taking a seat in the circle of chairs before she could think about what she was doing.Or why she was.  

Because there didn’t seem to be a reason that she could explain.Just a change.In the weather, perhaps.A change in the winds.  

Seasons moving.Familiar scents fading and even more familiar ones rising.

She could place it.She knew.When the changed had happened.  

But it was ridiculous to think.And even more so to dwell.

And she had sat.And waited.And then the doors were closing.  

But she was on time.  

Introductions were made.

And it was nice.To listen to others talk.To listen to them share their grief.Familiar.In a way that Danny and Kirsch and Perry and LaFontaine tried to share, but couldn’t.

And maybe it’s silly she didn’t come in before.  

But she’s sitting.And she’s listening.And it’s really not so bad.

Laura hadn’t planned to talk.Not at all.Not that she had planned to listen, either.But it seemed a good first step.  

But the woman who always smiled and waved at her was finishing up.About how she was angry.Angry that this was what her life had become.And it struck Laura.  

“I’d like to add something, if that’s okay.”

And the room nods and turns towards her.And she hadn’t planned on talking.But they are all looking.

“I fee like…”She wishes she had thought more about what she was actually going to say.But that was how it always worked, she thinks.

Action before thought.

“It’s like…”  

Her voice trails and she looks to her hands.And the woman who always smiles is giving her an encouraging one.

“It’s like…I know this is my life.And what’s happened has happened.”She didn’t need to say what.And they wouldn’t ask.Not until she was ready.It was part of the rules, apparently.

And she couldn’t say that she minded.

“But it doesn’t seem like it.It seems like I’ve been existing outside of myself.Watching myself move and watching myself think.And I can’t control it.Because…”

Laura takes a deep breath and claps her hands together.Let’s her thumbs play war by themselves.  

“Because this really can’t be my life.It’s not what I ever thought it would be.It wasn’t supposed to be like this.And that’s what hurts.Because I tried.I tried and I tried.And no matter how hard I tried, nothing came out right.  

“It was like I was watching everything from above.And when I realized it was me.That this was mine….”

Her voice trails.And she can’t really think of what else to say.But they don’t push.And they don’t.They let her fade and someone else picks up the conversation.Adding their two scents.  

But Laura can’t really hear them.Because the room sounds far away.And her hands are more interesting than they’ve ever been.

And she’s crying, she thinks.Must be.

Because her vision is blurry and her nose is running.

But it’s different from the last time and the time before.

She’s crying.But for the first time in forever…

It doesn’t hurt.

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

_The first time happens in the middle of the night._

_A breath._

_Quiet and sweet.She speaks it against skin._

_Soft._

_Gentle._

_Whispered.And it’s hard to say whether it’s said at all._

_Found beneath her gentle touch.A soft gaze._

_Teeth.Skin.A bite._

_It’s hot.And they are sticky.The middle of summer.And the air conditioner is broken._

_But the sheets of her bed are cool.And she pushes and pulls at them, fabric balled in fists.Moans and breaths echoing around them._

_It is hard to tell whose is whose._

_The first time happens in the middle of the night._

_And she can’t really say that she’s surprised._

_Unexpected, maybe.And not quite prepared._

_But not surprised.Because she had felt it to.Longer now, maybe, than she would admit.The words playing and dancing at the tip of her tongue._

_And perhaps she was the one who said it first.Hard to say amongst the tangles and the sheets.Their bodies entwined.Where one ends and one begins, so hard to say. It’s not that it really matters._

_Not in the grand scheme of it all._

_Not in the end._

_The first time it happens is the middle of the night._

_A cry._

_A breath._

_Soft._

_Gentle._

_Whispered._

_“I love you.”_  
  
“I love you, too.” 

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

Laura thinks it’s funny.

The way life works sometimes.

One minute you feel exhausted.Because you’ve just talked more in a span of five minutes than you have in fifteen months.And really, you didn’t say that much.

But it’s tiring.So you drive.And half way to your apartment you think you’re hungry.And your stomach growls.And just as the thought enters your mind, you’re pulling up to an intersection.Your favorite Thai place nestled in the corner.  

So you make a split decision to pull in and order for take out.  

And it’s funny.Really funny.

Because one minute she’s waiting for food and the next…

Carmilla is in front of you.

They tell her it’s going to be a twenty minute wait.Not that it matters.So she sits and pulls out her phone.But the battery is dead.  

She’s left to sit and twiddle her thumbs.

The place is small, more of a cafe than a restaurant.With a large counter for ordering, an open kitchen right behind it.There are five tables.But barely enough space for two.And it’s hard to walk without bumping into someone else.

But the food is the best there is for miles.

And it fills her with a fond memory that she hadn’t felt in a while.The smells, no doubt.One of the strongest senses.It always had a way of reminding one of what they shouldn’t forget.

The bell above the door rings and Laura looks up.Human habit.Unable to control.  

And then she’s there.

And it’s funny.Just really funny.

Carmilla’s eyes are wide.She stops mid-step.And her hand twitches.  

Laura thinks she must be weighing her options.Whether or not to turn and run.

Knows she is, because it’s what she’s currently doing.

But it would be hard to do.To squeeze past the table.And Carmilla.And the man who’s pushing his way inside.  

“Get in or get out,” He says and then knocks into Carmilla’s shoulder.  

It’s sends her tumbling forward and she collides with the spare chair at Laura’s table.

“Fuck.”

It’s quiet and so very her.Laura watches as Carmilla glares at the man.But he pays them no mind.

And Laura can’t help it.

Because it’s funny.Just really funny.The universe’s twisted sort of humor.And while she’s surprised.She can’t really say that she is.Because of course.

Of course.

So she can’t help it.  

It’s funny.

Laura smiles.

 

//

 

Carmilla thinks it’s funny.

The way life works sometimes.

It’s a sadistic sort of funny.But funny nonetheless.

Because one minute you’re at your apartment alone, bored at of your mind.And you’re hungry.And you’ve been craving spicy fried rice and curry.It’s more than enough food to feed one person.But who cares.So you order from your favorite Thai place because you haven’t had it in forever.

And it’s sadistic and fucked.But it’s funny.

Because one minute you’re opening the door and the next, you’re standing before Laura.

She’s not really sure what to do.And Carmilla thinks, maybe, she could slip by and grab her food without incident. But it would mean trying to maneuver around Laura.And there’s no way either can pretend that she didn’t see her.

They’re staring.They both are.

Laura’s eyes are wide and her breathing seems to increase and Carmilla sees her eyes flick to the exit.

Weighing her options, Carmilla thinks, of course she would.

And she can’t blame her, because she’s got half the mind to do it too, but her food is paid for and she’s fucking hungry.And some asshole is pushing his way through the door behind her.

“Get in or get out,” he says and all but shoves her forward.

She collides with the empty chair at Laura’s table.And:

“Fuck.”

She glares as the man walks to the counter.Out of the corner of her eye she sees Laura shift.And Carmilla can’t help it.But she turns.  

Laura has this smile on her face.Tight.And different than what she’s used to.But there’s an amused pull at her lips.  

Carmilla drops her head and shakes it.Because she can feel her own smile forming.Because of course.

_Of course._

It’s twisted.And sadistic.And fucked.

The universe’s twisted sort of way at playing games.At using the lives of people, just trying to survive, for it’s own amusement.  

And it can’t be helped.Not really.

Which makes it all the more twisted, she thinks.  

Carmilla is vaguely aware that someone is calling Laura’s name from behind the counter.But they don’t move.Neither of them.

And they are both sort of staring again.

And it’s funny.

Really funny.

…

“So…hi.”

“Hey.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So perhaps not so much of an end, as a beginning. :)
> 
> Chat and tumble with me at: http://daisyfalls.tumblr.com/


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